Sunday, July 24, 2011

I haven't posted anything in ages, but tumblr and facebook are way too public to write about my feelings, and for some reason blogging has always given me some kind of relief or gratification.
Anyway, a couple of days ago, my friend messaged me and told me that this guy from his work "had the hots for me", and that he said he was "extremely attracted" to me. Okay, no big deal for most people, but I just need to say that 1) this is literally the first time that any guy has showed any interest in me whatsoever since the 9th grade and 2) I have been mad crushing on this guy for months. I think I even wrote something about him on here a while ago. So yeah, that's a good thing, but I can't get it off my mind. Like, if I'm honest with myself it will probably go absolutely nowhere, and we'll just keep flirting every time I go in there. But then, the crazy teenage girl part of me lets my mind go in a thousand different directions and think of every single scenario that could ever happen. And I start thinking that there has GOT to be something wrong with this guy if he's attracted to me. Like, he doesn't even know me and I'm not exactly a 10, and he's really cute. Like, more than me just saying that, he's a good looking guy. So what if he has some weird social disorder or is a total dick or something, or what if he listens to rap and fucks bitches and gets money. Like, HONESTLY why would anyone be attracted to me unless I was their last resort? That's all I can think of right now and it kind of freaks me out.
I don't know.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I overcomplicate everything.
I just want to lock myself up in my house and paint forever.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Bad bad bad mood.

I am an idiot. A stupid stupid girl. I set myself up for failure and rejection and ugh I just hate it.
I hate people knowing my feelings. I hate you knowing every single thought that went through my head, and I don't know a single one of yours.
Why do I do stuff like this.
It's not even a big deal, I know that. I KNOW that. But you probably don't understand, this is a big thing for me. Until really really recently I almost NEVER opened up to anyone about anything. And I certainly never told anyone how I felt about them ever.
Literally, since the ninth grade, okay.
And I don't even remember half of those text messages, and I made myself look like a total idiot and now I can't act normal because I'm a total freaking spaz and I can't freaking help my feelings and I know I know I KNOW you aren't going to hold it against me or act weird or whatever but this is so strange to me, and I just over think things constantly and I'm so stupid.
And I feel like I can't talk to you the same because you're going to think I'm coming on to you but I'm not really, because I don't DO that. I'm not that forward ever, I promise.
And also "why didn't you ever tell me"? Why should I have ever told you, really? Because I know that I act like this and I know the feeling isn't mutual and rejection drives me crazy. It wouldn't have changed anything just like it hasn't changed anything now, and I'm just a stupid stupid stupid girl and I really honestly wish I was a boy sometimes. Like, really, my life would be so much easier on so many levels.
I really hate myself sometimes.

Monday, May 30, 2011

And Honestly.

I'm not all that bad. I mean, I've got my insecurities and things that aren't so great about me. And I'm a little bland at times, but when it comes down to it, I'm actually pretty alright.
So, I'm going to try to not worry about people who can't see that.
I'm going to try to stop wasting my time on people who can't look past my physique or my mild social awkwardness.
I'm just going to sit back and enjoy life because it's not worth it.
All this worrying and feeling self conscious and feeling like I'm not good enough.
I am good enough, and you're just not good enough to see that.
Hate on it.

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face

It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the
Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive

Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders

It's colder
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive

It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
Wow, we might actually survive.
I fell asleep with the light on
to keep the darkness around me
from trying to drown me.

But little did I know
that the light was just a glow.
'Cause I don't wanna try for an escape.
When one mistake is all it takes.
I'll jump the line from state to state
just for the taste of a better fate so bittersweet.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.

Let's hit the road, and hit it hard.
'Cause the season is changing.
We're falling apart.
But how far can we make it
before it's time for us to wake up?
You say it's not over.
You think that you know how far we have to go
before we're right back where we started.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.
I think I can be happy. I know, I don't really have any huge reasons not to be.
I mean, sure.
I've got to stay here for another year, that sucks.
I've drifted away from and lost a lot of my friends over the last year.
It seems like I can't ever do anything right at my job, and it's driving me crazy.
My parents can't go a single day without nagging or yelling at me.
And I'm super unattractive and unappealing and I will probably die alone.
But, honestly, it's all stuff that isn't really going to matter in the long run.
I think I can finally accept that, and be happy with myself.
Confidence is key, and it's about time I got that back.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

for the record

I give up.
I'm just going to stop trying. If things are going to happen, they will, I don't need to egg them on.
So whatever.
Whatever happens happens.
I'll just be waiting.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong, it seems like.
I know it's not true, but that's how it feels.
I'm not going to UCF.
My church is breaking in half, basically.
I feel like I'm losing friends by the day.
But it's kind of okay.
Because it's helping me to weed out the people who don't really care about me.
I've got those that I love in my life, no one is dead, we're all together, and that's okay.
Bible study today made me realize that there are a lot of things that I'm thankful for that I never thank God for. I just take them for granted. That they'll still be there when I wake up.
But when something is taken from me, I act like a spoiled child.
And that isn't right of me.
God has his perfect plan and his perfect timing, and I just need to trust in that. For once.
So, it's okay.
It's all going to be okay.

Friday, May 20, 2011

This is such BULL SHIT.
I just want to leave, and nothing can go my freaking way.
Shut up, UCF, I'm way more intelligent than a ton of kids that I KNOW attend your college.
Give me a break.
I'm wasting my life.
My time.
I just want to go driving so I can get it all out, but Stevi is picking me up in ten minutes.
I just want to go cry and scream and be angry at the world.
I am angry at the world.
I don't want to stay here.
I can't stay here.
My church is falling apart AGAIN, and none of my friends are real friends, and there is no one and nothing for me here.
I need to leave this cultural waste land. Before it's too freaking late.
I hope the rapture does come tomorrow because I've got nothing to look forward to.

And today at work wasn't very good. I was a total spaz. And I went to moe's for lunch and I looked like a hot mess and the really attractive, really nice guy who works there remembered me and made friendly conversation with me and I acted like a freaking spaz.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I wish that we were all a little more upfront and honest, it would save a lot of guess work when it comes to these things.
But I guess I don't have any room to talk.
I should have never started thinking about this, now I'm never going to stop.
That and Justin Towne needs to stay the hell away from me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a sea of awkward.

1) I ask julie to stop by and bring me my long lost nail polishes that she borrowed, and she brought a ton of people with her which was unfortunate because I was unbathed, wearing a cat sweater and sweat pants, watching BET. Thankfully they were all gay.
2) Getting a bunch of messages and texts about Justin Towne's newest status update: "so it has come to my attention that mary vallon has never been kissed, ever. well it is my soul mission in life to pop her mouth cherry and give her the time of her life. let it be known!"
I know it's not a huge deal, but it's totally unnecessary, and not even going to lie, sort of embarrassing. Plus I can honestly say that he is one of the few people that I honestly honestly honestly dislike. You don't even know me, and I don't care to know you, and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you.
3) Sitting next to Robbie in the movie tonight, messing with his phone, being a creep because the movie was actually really really boring. When suddenly, "Are you trying to hold my hand?". No, Robert, I was not, I promise. I was just bored. And it takes two to tango, so chill. Also, him going through my phone and almost reading sneaky sneaky texts to Hannah Banana.
4) Not really alllll that awkward, but subtly cute text messages. I just don't know on a scale of one to ten how serious you are, so I never know how to reply.
Oh, man.

Monday, May 16, 2011

even though it doesn't really matter.

I'm confused. Just a little bit. Like, it doesn't even matter because it's all in my head and I overthink every detail of every conversation.
But we've been texting non stop for like a week and then some, and now it has suddenly stopped and I don't like it at all. But I don't want to be the one who starts every conversation. So it's taking a lot of will power to just let it be.
And that one text, totally out of nowhere, and I know it was a joke, but it was really cute and I'd probably have been okay with that if that's not really creepy to say.
And I just really like it when you're around.
And I know I'm not your "type" (whatever that is anyway) but you're probably the only person that I can keep a conversation with for that long, in real life. Especially when there are other people around. And I'd like for that to happen again sometime, but I don't want to force it because it came so naturally before.
Like I said, overthinking.
And then yoooou. You just seem like you'd be so perfect for me. But you'd never be interested even in the slightest. It's just frustrating. Like, why is it so hard for me to get to know you better? Because I really want to, but I just don't know how. Or maybe you don't want me to. I don't know. But it's frustrating. And I know it's overdramatic, but I can't help but wonder why God would put someone so great in my life so suddenly when I can't have them.
I need to try to stop trying.
I'm done being a stupid girl.
I need to move away and leave all these silly lake county boys alone.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


Telling people about something makes it seem so much more real. Like, you had these feelings before, but now that you've confided them in someone, they're more concrete.
And I don't think I need these feelings to be concrete. Because nothing will come from them. I know this because nothing ever does.
I want to be pursued, it's something that I've never experienced. Because I'm not likeable. I'm not the girl that guys go for. And that has been okay with me, it's HAD to be okay with me for the last 19 and-a-half years, but it's getting OLD.
And it's even worse when you know exactly who you want. And there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. Girls don't start relationships.
So I guess that's it. I guess I'll keep being super awkward around you because I don't know how to act around boys who I don't just want to be bros with. And I'll just keep trying not to like every single thing you post because it makes me feel super creepy. And I'll just keep wishing that I was younger or prettier or easier to talk to or whatever I would have to be to be the girl that you'd fall for.
I feel so stupid.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Things have been going a lot better.
Like, amazingly so.
Just one thing.
He is so. Freaking. Perfect.
And I am so. Freaking. Not.
And why do I always go for guys who I have like a negative chance with?
It's a nice thought, though.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I went back to high school today.
Not to sound cocky or pretentious or anything, and I know it's not quite true but.
I felt like a legend.

Monday, May 9, 2011


I realized in a second what was wrong with my life.
It just clicked, I can't explain it any other way. One moment I was listening to music, the next moment I knew.
I need to bring God back into it. It's been far too long. I've drifted away, aimlessly, trying to rely on earthly things to make me happy and content. People and things aren't permanent. They will always leave. God is always there, for eternity.
No, it's not all happily ever after. It's going to take time and effort on my part. It's going to take a while to get back to where I was, and to hopefully grow from that.

I wrote a four word letter,
With post-script in crooked lines,
"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."
You know who I am - you held my hem
As I traveled blind
Listening to a whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.

Stealing a bicycle chain,
As the handlebars crashed to the ground,
The back wheel detached from the frame,
It kept rolling, yeah, but aimlessly drifting around.
Oh, doubters, let's go down,
Lets go down - won't you come on down?
Oh doubters, lets go down-
Down, to the river to pray?
"But I'm so small I can barely be seen - how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things.
Wearing black canvas slippers
In our frog-on-a-lily-pad pose
We sewed buttons and zippers
To chinese pink silk
And olive night clothes
If you can someday stop by
Somehow we'll show you the pictures and fix you some tea
(see, my dad's getting a bit older now and just unimaginably lonely).
Oh, pretenders, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Oh, pretenders
Lets go down-
Down to the river and pray?

"Oh but I'm so afraid, and I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise.
"But I'm too tired, I won't last long."
No, he'll use the weak to overcome the strong!
Oh, Amanda, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Mama, Nana, lets go down, down in the dirt by the river to pray?
You struck the match - why not be utterly changed by fire?
To sacrifice the shadow and the mist
Of a brief life you never much liked -
So if you'd care to come along we're gonna curb all our never-ending,
clever complaining
(as who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?)
We hunger, but though all that we eat brings us little relief we don't know quite what else to do,
We have all our beliefs but we don't want our beliefs,
God of peace, we want you.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

a lot of things going through my mind.

I'm just sad.
For the same reasons, basically. They just resurface at random times, and ruin my days.
Destructive thoughts.
Over thinking.
I'm unstable.
After I left everyone tonight, I drove around in my car for thirty minutes, crying. Again.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm really bad at pretending to be happy. I can't fake it. It's not like I'm looking for attention really, I just can't do it.
And Kyle asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it and I said no because I knew if I talked to anyone for more than a couple of minutes I would probably start crying.
So I left.
It's just the same things. I'm alone. And lonely. I'm not anyones' priority. There is no one for me to cling to when I'm upset or feeling down. No one to make me feel better. Everyone has someone else. And I'm on my own. And I'm not worth anyone elses' time anyway.
And okay.
I'm not exactly the most sought after (or sought after at all) girl in the world, but I still have stupid girl feelings and I can't help it.
And yes I think you're really cute and really really funny and wonderful and you hardly pay any attention to me so obviously you don't feel the same way but I really like it when you put your arm around me even if it is just playing around, and I really don't care how creepy that is at all because it's true.
But of course it's nothing.
Because I'm not worth anything.
Oh and it really makes me feel a lot better when I'm talking with someone who I thought was one of my prettty good friends at least at one point about something SERIOUS that I STRUGGLE with more than anything. Something that I'm probably going to end up going back to soon at this rate and I don't even care right now. And their phone rings. And it's her. And it's more important than anything in the world.
They just remind me of how alone I am.
I just don't want to be alone.
Yeah, you'll never be alone. Whatever. I'm sorry I ever bothered you with my problems. And my friendship. I'll leave you alone so you two can have a fun time being fickle together, I don't care. No, really, I don't. I just assumed that my friendship was worth more. Like those times when you guys broke up that we'd talk. Whatever. I don't care. I mean I don't expect to be that important to you, but maybe a little bit more than that.
But then again I just probably overreacted because of this mood.
And you, could you just stop touching eachother for a second. I just don't need to be reminded every moment that I'm around you about how alone I am. I know you're happy together. And I'm happy for you. And I love you both. But it makes me so uncomfortable. And sad.
Third Wheel.
Fifth Wheel.
Seventh Wheel.
And then YOU. You make me smile more than most people ever have. But I don't feel like I'm good enough to be your friend. I'm not clever or funny like you. I'm boring. And old. And depressed. But I don't want to lose your friendship because it's one of the only things that I care about anymore. And you say that the future freaks you out and you're down and all of this but you shouldn't be because you are such a wonderful person, and whenever you DO decide what you're going to do with your life, you're going to be amazing at it.
And just hugging me and saying "I love you", thanks for that. I needed it. And I still need it. And my life needs you in it. So please don't get bored with my friendship because I don't know what I'd do.
And lastly, you. Are the only person who has stayed with me all of these years. And you are wonderful and beautiful and I don't think you know how much I've envied you over the years. I love you, and you deserve more. Fuck everyone else. Thank you for being there for me.

Friday, May 6, 2011


I'm just too insecure. About my photography, my body, my personality, everything.
I haven't been to the gym in three weeks. I'm just not strong willed. At all. I need to start going back though. Ever since I stopped eating well and exercising, I've been feeling terrible. I guess if I don't have anything else that I'm doing with myself, I can at least try to improve myself. It's just so hard to get re-motivated.
And I'm insecure about my photography. I'm alright I guess, but I can't seem to ever get better. They're just mediocre portraits. Anyone could do what I do if they really tried.
And I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore.
And I'm alone, still. Like, I've got no one to talk to. Ever. Texts go unanswered all the time. And I just let my over thinking get the best of me.
But, on the plus side (the only plus side) work has been going better. Even though I only work one day this week. It's been better. Plus we just hired a ton of new people and they're all young and the ones that I've met are really nice.
I just feel like I'm going through the motions lately, and I don't like it one bit.
I mean, my weeks used to be jam packed, and I would have something to do every weekend with all of the friends who have found better friends now. I just. I don't know. I just feel dispensable and replaced. Like I was never special anyway.

I know it's silly but...

I've never felt so alone.
Stevi and Colin
Kara and Chris
Nick and Skye
Zack and Annabelle
Josh and Hannah
Kate and James
Emma and Duncan
Mary and nobody.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Going to steak and shake randomly late at night and gossiping and laughing with Stevi.
Texts from Julian that literally make me laugh out loud like an idiot.
Making Kara look like a drag queen and taking photos and talking about weddings and drinking slurpees.
My best friends. They mean the world to me, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And whether they know it or not, they're probably the only thing that keeps me going.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I don't care, so gouge my eyes.

I'll never see again.

and every time things look like they might be alright for awhile.
Something happens.
And everything comes crumbling down.
And you cry your eyes out because you are reminded of how much you hate yourself. And you're going to die alone.
And you can't do anything right.
And some tiny tiny tiny part of you just kind of wants to end it all because you don't know what you're living for.
Overdramatic, maybe.
But I'm going nowhere.
Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere.
And I can't find any way out.
And it's obvious that I'm just really really lonely. Even in a room full of people. Because I know that they might consider me their friend, but none of them really really care about me.
They don't care about me more than anyone else.
No one does.
I just want to be a first priority. For someone.
But that's only wishful thinking.
I wouldn't waste time on me either.
And I look at other photographers' work. And it's good. Better than mine.
I will never be outstanding at anything.
I don't know why I should even try.
I don't have anyone or anything, so why bother?
Yeah, I'm really selfish, and jealous, and sad.
I know what I want but there is no possible way for me to get it, so I just sulk.
And all I want to do is to go out with a bunch of people and do the thing that makes me forget how sad I am for just a little while. Something that makes me feel invincible. And I know that it just disappoints people, but I figure they probably don't really care that much deep down anyway.
So I'll keep being self destructive. And when the opportunity arises, I'll always take it because I am weak and sad and I don't know anything else.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes
Because I'm Mr. Brightside

Coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine.

Friday night was good, yesterday was good, today was good.
I like this new trend.
Really, the only bad parts were being a third/fifth wheel. Really. Like, sitting in a movie theater, right in between two cuddling couples.
Sitting in the back seat with two people holding hands in the front seat.
Chilling out in pizza hut with two people flirting non stop.
Being the only available vallon. Forever.
Like, I know I don't NEED someone else to make me happy, but it would make me happy to have someone.
It's probably only really really on my mind because everyone seems to be getting together and back together and pairing off, and I'm just alone. Alonely.
But, regardless, I had a pretty good weekend.
And yes, it might be a little creepy, but I like that you wore that really soft shirt again, and I like that you implied that you like my glasses better than contacts, and I know you'd never ever ever be interested in me, but I'd sure be interested in you.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I really have so few reasons to feel like this, but every time I'm alone, I turn into this crazy self destructive disgusting person.
I cried twice today for no real reason. Maybe three times, I don't remember.
I feel hopeless.
Also, every time I see photos from other photographers in Lake County, I just get really really angry.
I'm just too naturally competitive for my own good.
Today started off really good, and just got progressively worse.
I need to get out of here.
I'm a mess.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trying to find truth.

Today was an emotional roller coaster, and I hardly came in contact with anyone all day. I was mopey all day, everything went wrong, I failed my math final, I broke down crying in my car because of how alone/sad/depressed I've been, I drove around tavares for an hour, thinking thoughts that kind of scare me in retrospect. I took my World Religions final, I moped around my house some more, then Stevi picked me up to go to Work to watch Fast Five, and everything was okay. I actually laughed really hard tonight. I even forgot I was sad until just now.
It's just, the thing that kills me is that I try so hard. Really REALLY hard actually. And I don't try with anyone. Ever. I just let people pass me by, I ignore texts, I don't answer phone calls, I ditch on plans. But not with you. I don't want to do any of those things to you. But I'm not used to trying, so when you give me nothing in return, it just hurts my feelings. And you're not doing anything wrong. It's all me. It's probably all in my head. I'm just paranoid. Paranoid of losing you because you're literally one of the only people who has been able to put a real smile on my face in the last couple of months. And I don't want to be too clingy or needy, so I try not to text you a million times in a row, but I see things and think of things, and I think of you and I can't help it and I don't know what's up, but if I did something wrong I wish you would tell me. Or if you're getting sick of me I wish you would tell me. At least put my mind at ease.

I’m nicotine
I’m coming clean
I fooled the crowd
when I made it sound like I was more than ready

strike up the band
deprive my sleep
cause there’s no love like apathy

the bell that tolls rings loud enough
that it should have woke us up
I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I’d wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you

I read your last entry
over-privileged kids keep crying
the need to fit in gets harder
when living life from a screen

old classmates please drop all your pens
don’t write a word cause I won't reply
and I’m not bitter, no it's just I’ve passed that point in my life
I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I'd wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you

each night it ends too soon
you don’t hold me like you used to
and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much 'cause
it's always some excuse
too tired, too obtuse
you look so far, removed
this time I fear I’m losing you for good
I'mm nicotine... I'm a cash machine
I'm the color green
and you should've seen the looks I just received
I need a reason to let go
an intervention, or a lullaby
something to cure me, please believe me--

I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I'd wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you

each night it ends too soon
you don’t hold me like you used to
and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much but
it's always some excuse
too tired, too obtuse
you look so far removed
this time I fear I’m just not getting through

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

a higher plane.

I'm a total waste of time.
What in the hell am I supposed to do for the world?
What is the meaning in this life?
This pathetic.
I make cries for attention because I need reassurance that I'm not a total failure.
But I know no matter what anyone says, I won't believe them.
I'm a failure.
A nobody.
Nobody really cares about me or where I'm going.
I'm nobody's everything.
Or anything.
I just want to throw up.
Or throw myself off the side of a cliff.
A part of me thinks that people are only my friend because they feel sorry for me.
Days like today I let that part of me take over.
When are things going to be okay again?
When am I going to be happy and carefree again?
I guess this has to do with growing up.
But it seems so easy for everyone else.
I'm just lost.

I feel worried that my brain,
is just a fool in your sick game,
so I will never open my heart.
I've tried to express,
how I feel, but it changes everyday,
so I'm finding it hard,
Let's take life, nice and easy,
We could go, somewhere breezy,
but it gets so complicated,
everyone I fucking hate it,
And I
need to get away
and I
I can't escape, I cant escape
and I was thinking today
that I should think of taking my life

to a higher plane
and I
need to get away
and I
I can't escape, I cant escape
and I was thinking today
that I
should think about taking my life
to a higher plane

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Maybe if you could stop being a raging. bitch. for one. day. Stop and think before you talk. Stop hurting my feelings and being vicious and malicious and selfish and immature every time things don't go your way. You're the one who had us, you signed up for everything that came with it. Just because I don't talk to you when you're in this kind of mood because I don't want to say something I regret, you get angry at me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. Go yell at your sons, fine. I admit, he's being immature and disrespectful, but I haven't said a word to you, so could you please return the favor?
You are selfish.
You are hurtful.
And you wonder why I don't want to be around you. Why I don't chit chat with you. Why our relationship is total fucking shit. Think about other peoples' feelings before you start screaming like a banshee. Your opinion isn't the only one that matters. You aren't the only one who has feelings and needs and all of that.
All you do is complain and make threats that you don't mean.
Maybe the boys can handle it, but I can't take this any more.

Monday, April 25, 2011

get out.

I hate myself.

I can't get started from the part
Where I left off yesterday.
I should have spent my time a little wiser.
I sat alone,
Guilty it seemed,
Waiting for words to come
From out of my head
Still making sense to anyone.
I can't wait to understand the reason,
I have yet to translate any meaning besides,
It's not worth it to try.
Get out
Get out.

Lock myself up in a room without a window,
Just to see if it was any easier to breathe.
I was wrong.
Never underestimate the daylight.
There, it's so much easier to breathe.
I can't wait to understand the reason,
And I've yet to translate any meaning,
Besides, it's not worth it to try.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out.

There's no meaning,
Besides, it's not worth it to try.

Get out.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


is all that matters. That's what it feels like anyway.
That's the measurement of beauty.
That's the measurement of character.
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to be able to wear tank tops without my boobs hanging out, and I want to be able to wear two piece bathing suits and I want to be able to get tattoos on my arms and I want to not feel inferior and ugly and disgusting and not-good-enough all the time. I want to be able to complain about my weight, knowing that it's not really an issue. I want to be able to shop in normal stores. I want to be able to have feelings for a boy without feeling like a freak.
I don't ever want to eat again.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm writing music that no one will ever hear.
I wish I was talented.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

You move awfully quiet now.

When I am overcome with these feelings, I feel terrible. Like I'm a terrible friend. A terrible person. It's just that I can't (I honestly CAN NOT) grasp how you can be so completely and utterly unintelligent. I wonder how you can live life on such a lower level . I mean, I'm not saying that I'm a genius, or that I'm superior to you really, it's just that some of the things that come out of your mouth are... almost embarrassing.
I thank God that he gave me the ability to think for myself. I just wonder if it's the way you were raised? Or are you really honestly incapable of higher thinking?
I just want to get in to your head for a day to see what's there. If anything is there.
Okay now I'm just being mean.
But you are a good person with a kind heart, and I'll give you that much. It's more than I could boast.

My days have been getting better. Only minor annoyances here and there, as opposed to days of self destruction and over thinking. I've still got a lot going on, but now that classes are almost over it's sort of winding down.
I don't feel like I'm suffocating any more.
I can feel myself breaking free, bit by bit.
God, I need you now. Just please reveal your plan to me, because I'm still lost, and you're my only hope.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I hit the wall again.

I feel like I live my life through music. I feel like there is a song that completely describes how I feel at any given moment, and music is one of the only things that keeps me grounded these days. I remember a time where I wasn't really big into any music in particular, but then I discovered the internet, and my life exploded.
And sure, I have a really weird taste in music, and it has evolved over the years, but music in general has captivated me ever since.
I really don't think I could live without it.

Anyway, today was really great. Very chill. Nothing to be upset about. Nothing to worry about. It was nice, and I spent time with a million people who I absolutely love who I don't get to spend that much time with. Erin and I just hung out and we went to Moe's and ran into everyone in the world, and then came back to my house and painted our nails and listened to music and played music and chilled, and me and Brent talked about the stupidest things ever for like 45 minutes and it was just nice.

I’ve got 500 reasons to get upset
But I’d rather laugh it off then go and make a mess

Got a whole lotta demons acting up in my head
But I refuse to cut a deal just yet
Oh no, when the world is dragging me down again
Yes I know, yes I know I can turn things around my friends
But I hit the wall again
I hit the wall again
No more imagining, think I hit the wall again
I don’t know how it started or how it’s gonna end
But I feel it rising, rising, rising
And I got no more money for the penny arcade
It never stopped me from playing
I haven’t found my way across this wild parade
It never stopped me from dreaming

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Which would you prefer?

And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head?
This all was only wishful thinkin',
This all was only wishful thinkin

And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head?
This all was only wishful thinkin',
This all was only wishful thinkin'

Let's go...
Don't bother trying to explain angel
I know exactly what goes on when you're on, and
How about I'm outside of your window?
Well how about I'm outside of your window?
Watchin' him keep the details covered?
You're such a sucker for a sweet talker, yeah
Such a sucker...
And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head?
This all was only wishful thinkin',
This all was only wishful thinkin'

(The only thing I'll regret is that I...)
And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head?
(...I never let you hold me back)
This all was only wishful thinkin',
This all was only wishful thinkin'

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me
Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?
And all of this was all your fault
And all of this...
It makes things worse

I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
For this simple reason I
Just need to keep you in mind
As something larger than life
She'll destroy us all before she's through

I'm ready to be done with this. It's alright. It's whatever. I can be alone, I've been alone for nineteen years, it's not a big deal. And when I say that I mean it's really not a big deal, it's not like I'm saying it's not but it really is.
Yesterday was good. Even the bad parts were alright.
Church was nice, I actually listened to the sermon because it was completely relevant to my life. Somehow whenever I'm going through something really bad, there is always something in church that relates exactly to how I feel. It's really weird, I can never figure out if it's just coincidence or what. But I like it.
Then, I spent the day with Annabelle making hot dog jellyfish that were better in concept than in execution, but they were fun, and we just sat on Zack's bed tumblin' and talkin' and she gave me a pedicure and I serenaded her we listened to Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday and it was really chill and I liked it.
And youth was really nice and normal. I ate coleslaw and brownies, and we won the game that we played, and that boy wore a really soft shirt which was extra nice to hug.
It was just that simple. A day without stress.
And I just woke up to an inspiring quote from Skye, and a random I love you text from Julian. It's things like that that make me happy that I have such beautiful wonderful people in my life.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

I keep my jealousy close,
'Cause it's all mine.

And if you say this makes you happy,
Then I'm not the only one lying.

I have a headache and I'm tired.
But I'm still going to go over to Stevi's.
And I have to wake up at seven in the morning.
Kill me, please.
And I'm really tired of these couples. You're cute, but you could stop snuggling and being together for five seconds.
I'm just lonely and bitter I guess.

Friday, April 15, 2011


I'm done trying. It's not even worth the effort.
I keep saying it, but I can't help itttttttttdldsjfdsfjsodifusd.
Whateverrrrrrr, I know nothing when I see nothing, and this is nothing.
Yeah, I do dig you, but that's not important because I'm just being stupid, and of course someone like you wouldn't REALLY dig me.
I just need to suppress my feelings like I've been used to.
If you don't feel, you can't get hurt.
If you don't put yourself out there, nothing happens, so nothing can go wrong.
I did have a nice time tonight though, really.
I just feel like this is sort of a wake up call.
Like, I need to get out of here.
I love my friends, but I need friends who are my own age, too.
It's crazy what one year can do. It's like I'm in this messed up in-between age group, where if I'm not off at college, there is nothing and no one for me.
ANYWAY You're really cute, and I'm really tired, and I need to go to sleep because I need to wake up at six thirty.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I just watched the frontman of August Burns Red's testimony.
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I want a faith like this.
I want faith.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Where is your boy tonight?
I hope, he is a gentleman..
And maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

When I wake up..
I'm willing to take my chances on
the hope i forget,
that you hate him more than you notice
I wrote this for you (for you, so)

You need him .. I should be him
I could be an accident but I'm still tryin'
And that's more than I can say for him

Where Is your boy tonight?
I hope, he is a gentleman..
And maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town

Someday I'll appreciate in value
Get off my ass and call you
In the mean time I'll sport my brand new fashion
Of waking up with pants on at four in the afternoon

You need him .. I should be him
I could be an accident but I'm still tryin'
And that's more than I can say for him


Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman
and maybe he won't find out what I know,
You were the last good thing about this part of town

(Won't find out ... He wont find out ...)
(Won't find out ... He wont find out ...)

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman..
Maybe he wont find out what I know:
you were the last good thing about this part of town..

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman
Maybe he wont find out what I know:
you were the last good thing about this part of town.

Midwest Aftermath.

All I want is a way out. Every. Single. Day. You nag me, you bombard me with negativity until I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be around you. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want out out OUT. I can't stand to be in the same room as you for more than a few minutes. Every time I say one word to you, it turns into a lecture. LEAVE ME ALONE. I've got things going on in my life, I have priorities, and sometimes I just want to relax. And that's impossible. Because you can't go a single day without making me feel like a total waste of space.
I swear, if I don't get into UCF, I'll freak out.
I can't take another year of this.
It's hell.
I don't care if I go into debt.
I'll take care of that later.
I just need to leave this town and meet new people, and be away from THIS. Be away from YOU.

But all I could do was close my eyes
And cross my arms and hope to die
Cause you don't fucking listen
When I'm around.
The least you could do is take it back
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks
Cause I can't fucking stand it.
When You're Around.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I hope I confuse you as much as you confuse me.

And that's all I'm going to say on this matter for now.
I don't need to waste my time thinking about this. I just blow things out of proportion. Even though I am attracted to you, and we have this really weird friendship where I can't even tell when you're kidding and when you're not. Whatever, I'm just going to sit back and see what happens.
I decided I'm going to apply to UCF for the fall semester.
I was going to wait until next year, but I can't take this place anymore. I just hope I get in. I don't know how much more rejection my self esteem can take, ha.
I'd like to just have a fresh start, in a fresh place.
Sure, I've already got friends there, but it'll be far enough from home to get me out of my comfort zone, and make me grow up.
I'm ready.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I just don't want to be alone.

Since when do glasses equal ugly? I wore my contacts for the first time in months today, and I got so many compliments. I mean, I guess that's nice and all but I didn't realize how bad I looked normally? Sort of annoying. Especially since I hate wearing these stupid things, my eyes have been irritated all night.
Speaking of irritated. Please. Please. Please. Do not. Do this to me. Don't say things and then say you're just kidding and play-hold-my-hand and stand really close to me and make me second guess myself, then second guess that. I hate feeling this way, especially when I know I don't really have a chance, and all of this is just messing around. It makes me feel like a stupid girl, and I know that's what I am, but give me a break.
I'm just wasting time, and I know that, but I don't know.
I really don't.
It's not even a big deal.
I just think too much, that's all.
My brother and I are getting closer, and I love it.
Tonight was actually really great now that I'm thinking about it.
Good friends and good music, it felt sort of like old times.

We get on.

I shot a wedding last night, and it kind of made me sad. It was really cute and simple and friendly, and it just made me imagine what my wedding will be like one day. If I ever have one. I know I'm still young, but I feel like I won't ever find anyone. I'm not good enough for anyone.
It's sort of this complex I've always had.
No, I'm not saying I'm anxious to get married, obviously I'm not. I want to live my life first, but I don't want to live it alone.
I just want someone who I care about more than myself, who feels the same way.
But thinking about it just makes me sad and anxious so I'm going to stop.
Things will happen when they're meant to happen, and I need to have faith in that.
I've just got to be patient standing by in the mean time.
I hate being patient.

Simply knowing you exist ain't good enough for me

But asking for your telephone number
Seems highly inappropriate
Seeing as, I can't
Even say hi
When you walk by
And that time you shook my hand, it felt so nice
I swear I never feel this way about any other guy
And I never usually notice people's eyes, but....

I conducted a plan to bump in to you most accidentally
But I was walking along and I bumped into you
Much more heavily than I'd originally planned
It was, well, embarrassing
And I think you thought that I was a bit of a twat
I just think that we'd get on
I wish I could tell you face to face

Instead of singing this stupid song
But yeah, I just think that we might get on
So I went to that party and everyone
They were kind of art-y
And I was wearing this dress
Because I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure if I looked my best
'Cause I was so nervous

But I carried on regardless
Strutting through each room trying to find you
And when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
And my eyes, they watered
And when I tried to speak, I stuttered
And my friends were like "Whatever!
You'll find someone better!
His eyes were way too close together!
And we never even liked him from the start!
And now he's with that tart
And I heard she's done some really nasty stuff
Down in the park with Michael
He said she's easy
And if your guy's with someone that's sleazy
Then he ain't worth your time

'Cause you deserve a real nice guy!"
So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry
And lock myself in the toilets for the entire night
Saturday night I watched channel five
I particularly liked CSI
I don't ever dream about you and me
I don't ever make up stuff about you and me
Because that is insanity
I don't ever drive by your house to see if you're in
I don't even have an opinion on that tramp that you're still seeing
I don't know your timetable
I don't know your face off by heart
But I must admit that there is still a part of me that still thinks
That we might get on

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The longest day ever.

Woke up. Went to work. I was in an unusually good mood all day.
Got off at three, went home and showered.
Went to the site for the wedding I'm shooting tomorrow to scope it out.
Went to ramshackles for my darling Haley's birthday dinner and ate fried mac n cheese and birthday cake.
Bikefest with a random group of people.
Went to a friend's house in the middle of NOWHERE only to be kicked out as soon as we got there.
Decided to go to this abandoned plateau in the middle of an undeveloped subdivision instead.
Drank skittles and laid on a tiger blanket and played never have I ever and listened to stories about my friends.
Walked around the plateau with a couple of the guys, just poking around and laughing at everything.
Decided to go to McDonalds.
Went to Denny's instead.
Drove back to the plateau to get my car, only to be greeted by cops at 5 AM.
Pretended to be asleep.
Got questioned, had my friend's car searched.
Saw my entire freaking life flash before my eyes basically.
Got off scotch free (except for poor Annabelle's curfew ticket)
Came home.
Wrote this.
About to go to sleep.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Fuck it.

Fuck this.
Fuck them.
Fuck him.
Fuck everything.
Let's do this.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Side Note:

The reason I know I could make it in this industry: My taste level.
Yeah, you can take some alright photos, but you're tacky and don't have any style.
I'm going to work as hard as I can to have a voice and a point of view.
I'm going to be the one-in-a-million.
No, I don't take hipster pictures.
No, I don't have tons of fancy equipment.
No, I don't have a bunch of connections.
But I do have an eye for this, and I do have the drive to be successful (even if that drive is buried beneath all of this negativity and procrastination)
I'm going to make something of myself.

Why do I let little things bother me so freaking much sldfjasojfasifjd

I feel like I'm wasting my time.
With school, with work, with these people. What's my purpose in life? Really. I can't see any clear answer. I had the urge to drive my car right into traffic today, just to see what would happen. Of course, I never would. Besides, I don't act on impulse. I have to overthink and analyze every detail of everything.
And yeah, truth is I'm really freakin' attracted to you, and I could have told you that when I had the chance but I never would because I'm afraid to get hurt. Because I know I'm going to get hurt.
She's right, I don't "put myself out there" because I have an irrational fear of rejection.
We aren't a match anyway. I probably just like the idea of liking you.
And yes, I did resort to yahoo answers to get an opinion on the situation.
I'm. Such. A. Loser.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Enemy of the World.

Nothing is going my way.
Work, School, Home, Friends.
Everything is terrible, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so anxious and overwhelmed and I never have a SECOND TO MYSELF TO BREATHE. Something is always right around the corner to stress me out even more.
Stress is all I know anymore. Stress and uncertainty. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack at any moment.
The only thing holding together is... I don't even know, actually. I can't believe I haven't had a total melt down by now. I have so much pent up aggression and anxiety and anger and disappointment.
I felt like destroying something beautiful.
Fight Club. I still haven't watched it since last time I got the random urge to.
Work was total crap today. I had a headache and everyone was down my throat and I was in a bad mood, and apparently people have been talking about me.
WHY. These people are GROWN men and women. Why do they have to act like they're in high school? Really. Pisses. Me. Off.
And I feel like I've been lied to and manipulated by certain people lately, and I HATE THAT FEELING. Really, if you ever want to make me incredibly angry at you, lie to my face.
I'm just so angry.
I want to get away from this place and these people and these mixed up feelings.
And I need to stop over thinking things that DON'T MATTER.

If the timing is right
Then I'll turn back the clock
And as the minutes count down
I'll put my trust in this world
Cause this world can't trust in me

I'm holding on
I just can't believe that
All hope is gone
I'm such a wreck without it now
If it's your turn to live
Then it's my turn to give it up
And you bring the heart
Then I'll bring the beat
I'm afraid to be
Just an example of inconsistency

I feel like I'm jaded
I've given it all I have to give
Burnt out, frustrated
I feel like I'm an enemy of the world

I'm too easily swayed.
I don't know how I feel.
I don't even think it matters.
I'm going to go to the gym and take out my frustration on the treadmill.

I try to express how I feel but it changes every day, so I'm finding it hard.
And I need to get away.
And I can't escape.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

And I hope everything is gonna be alright.

Logging off of facebook chat to avoid awkward questions.
Like, really, what am I supposed to say to that? Why would you even ask me that? It's not a yes or no question, it's a game changer.
Really, I realize how unprepared I am for the real world. I have no idea how to handle the opposite sex.
Which is probably why I've always been such a "bro".
Since boys never liked me, I just decided I'd fit in with them instead.
Fat girls aren't allowed to have feelings.
So, I never learned how to deal with them or express them or anything.
I don't even know what I'm doing, guys.
I'm a mess, I guess.
I just overanalyze everything.
Every punctuation mark.
Every letter of a single sentence.
I dunno, it probably wasn't even a real question anyway.
You're gone now, and it probably won't come back up any time soon, if ever.
But now I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can't sleep.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I'm at a loss for words.

I'm so on edge.
I feel like any moment something is going to happen that's going to push me past my limits.
I'm just barely hanging on my a thread, and it's fraying fast.
I'm so uncertain and afraid of what the future holds.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

interlacing fingers.

It's so weird, I'm so good at reading people when they interact with each other, but it's really hard for me to tell where I stand with someone. I just want to know what people think of me really think of me. I want to know what people are thinking and what they would think if they knew what I was thinking about them. Of course I would never say out loud half of the things that cross my mind.
And the way you act toward me just confuses me. Not even really that, but I don't understand why you play like that, it comes so far out of left field and it just messes with me, even though I KNOW you don't mean it like that (who would?), plus I'm too old I guess, but I'm just the type of person who just lets their imagination get the best of them and I don't think with my head, but with my heart. So please, dear, don't mess with me like that, because you're only going to mess me up.
I guess I'm just not used to getting attention, so when you show me even the slightest bit, I get carried away.
I guess we've always had a weird relationship anyway.
I guess I'll just stop thinking about it so it doesn't turn into a bigger deal than it really is.
More and more I feel like my size is what is holding me back in life. It plays a part in EVERYTHING, I swear. Even the littlest things. And even more so lately, since I've hit a plateau in my weight loss or whatever you want to call it. I was doing so well, then I just suddenly lost motivation and getting it back has been hell. I just need to suck it up and go to the gym every day. My excuses have gotten the best of me, but I just need to make time.
But I just wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn't been overweight my whole life. Like, the above situation would probably be completely different because I wouldn't have the idea engrained in my mind that I'm not good enough for anyone because of my size.
Some people say it's not your size that matters, but it's your confidence. That's a load. Seriously, people who say that are just trying to be politically correct.
I mean sure, my confidence is pretty much shot, but even if it wasn't I wouldn't be any more attractive or successful or whatever. It's all about the way you look. It's all about first impressions and public image.
And all I wanted was to buy your stupid tank top, but it only comes in sizes small and extra small.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen

I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish I was your favourite smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about

I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can you feel your heartbeat racing?

I admit that I'm just a fool for you
I'm just a fool for you
Here is where we both go wrong
Tonight's your last chance to do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night, this is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong
So tie me up and toss this key 'cause for now we're living
In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing
My heart is dead it's way past beating
Something has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but it's all in your goodbyes
Its all in your goodbyes
Well look who's dying now
Slit wrists sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesn't matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
I never mattered anyway

It's late, but I'm wide awake. Waking up for church tomorrow is going to suck.
I want to fast forward two weeks. Please.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Black Plague.

These past couple of days have been absolutely terrible in almost every way possible.
And to top it all off; The Icing-On-The-Cake, I got a speeding ticket today. I was just distracted and nervous and I didn't realize how fast I was going and next thing I know there are red and blue flashing lights in my rearview mirror. I have the option to take an online safety course and I'm definitely going to do that instead, but still it's points on my license and my parents are going to FREAK OUT on me, and my insurance is going to go up. I'm so ridiculously frustrated right now.
Otherwise today would have been great. I got to spend time with both of my best friends, and then some, but after that happened I was just so sad for the majority of the day thinking about how my parents would react.
Then we went to go see Julian's school play and I gradually got over it. I absolutely love that boy to pieces. And those pieces to pieces, and so on. It was really cute, and me and Skye and Annabelle made silly faces at each other, and Julian was wearing full makeup, and when he tried to wash it off it just looked even worse, and I saw a few people that I don't normally see and it was a nice time.
It's weird. There are some people who I'm not really attracted to, but when I'm around them I feel like I just gravitate toward them and I have to consciously not be around them constantly because I don't want to be super creepy.
I just really want to watch fight club with someone right now.
Not alone though, I hate watching movies alone. It makes me feel lonely and sad. I just want to lay on a couch with someone in a dark room and watch fight club and pretend that nothing else exists.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Disappointed, I know you are.

I couldn't ever imagine such harsh words directed at me.
I just can't get over it.
I literally feel nauseous and I've got that stinging pain behind my eyes.
I know they're outdated words, but they were true 12 hours ago, and part of them has to be true now.
I hate myself so much.
I wonder how often people think things like that about me, but don't bother writing them out.
Probably more often than I could handle.
I can't even handle this.
But this isn't about me, really, it isn't.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm going to go cry myself to sleep like the pathetic human being I am.

They say this language is dead, then why do we speak?

I can't stop listening to The Chariot. The lyrics on the new album just speak to me. Honestly, if it wasn't for this album right now, I'd probably have broken down crying on my way to work today.
I thought I completely ruined one of the handful of friendships that I honestly treasure, and it made me sick to my stomach because it would have been all my fault.
I'm not making excuses, all I ever wanted to do was to reach out to someone who was in pain. I wanted to be there for someone because no one is ever there for me. But of course, I let one sentence slip out that I should have kept to myself. I don't know why I wrote those words, I wasn't thinking. Maybe I was at a loss for something else to say. Less than a dozen careless words almost destroyed one of the only friendships that are keeping me sane right now.
I just want to help people but I just end up making things worse.
I am good for absolutely nothing.
We made up, and I pray that things aren't affected by my stupid mistake.
I came home and read her blog post from earlier, and I almost started crying. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone, it was exactly the opposite.
Every good intention laid to waste.
But I would be angry with me, too. I just feel a pain in my chest that won't go away.
Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to make it in the real world. Falling outs with my friends feel like the end of the world. Reading negative words about myself chokes me up. I'm more sensitive than any person should be.
I can't seem to catch a break lately. Every day has been constant hurt and self loathing and anger. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm on the brink of being physically ill from anxiety.
At least work was okay today. I worked with luke, and he sang to me a lot because it was super dead all afternoon, and we talked about how we were going to survive if there was a tornado and I think he's going to come to church next week.

The only "surrender" tonight, shall not be our own
They cannot escape, one if by land, two if by sea
I saved my money, but it can't save me
And maybe there is blood from the past, but that is not from me
They can take away one man, and they can take away his mic
But they cannot take us all
No, they can't dig a hole the right size to fit all of our dreams
They can't bury me, they can't bury me
We can't hope that somebody else take our place
No, we can't hope that somebody else take our place

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The distance between our feet and the earth was the only thing never to change.

Why are we all so sad? It must be something in the Lake County water. Or maybe it's just a part of growing up. Both of my siblings and a couple of my closest friends have started writing blogs, and I'm just overcome by how depressed everyone really seems to be deep down. We all put on such happy faces when we're together, but I guess I forget that everyone has a story. I'm not the only one.
Today was a train wreck. Everything is going wrong for everyone. Backstabbing and hurt feelings and mixed emotions and gossip. Of course, I wasn't the subject of most of this, really. I rarely am. But it's not to say that I'm not affected.
It hurts me to see my friends hurting each other. It frustrates me to see men picking on boys, and to watch girls try to break away from people that they don't want to hurt. I'm watching the people I love get hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Especially you. If you're reading this, I just want you to stay strong. I know that this is horrible and overwhelming, but I admire you so much and I just pray that everything is going to work out.

I keep reading things on facebook about the graduating high schoolers getting accepted to college and whatnot. It just makes me angry. I'm stuck in this hellish town, living at home, and these kids are going to be living the life that I want to live. I want a real college experience, and right now it's like I'm in the 13th grade. I hate going to classes. I hate being around the people there. Just being there makes me feel like a failure. It's the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs, and it's exactly where I ended up.
At this rate, I'm going to amount to nothing.
I am nothing.
Someone posted a link to Virginia Commonwealth University, the college that I got accepted to but couldn't go to because my family won't pay for my education. It just makes me feel sick.
I want to be someone, but I can't find the motivation or courage to go for it. I have so many dreams, and I know the life I want to live but I can't find a solid path to get there.
I don't want to settle for less.
I think I'm going to look into cinematography again. I think I'd be good at it, and I could still do photography since they sort of go hand in hand. Besides, I'd like to make movies. Or help make them at least. To make people see what I see, feel what I feel.
But then again, maybe not.
I just don't know. I mean, I know I have an eye for composition, I have an appreciation for fashion, I have a watered-down imagination, I'm slightly above average in the creativity department, I'm fairly well spoken, I'm not tune deaf, and I have a knack for reading people, especially when it comes to relationships. Those are my only real talents and positive traits and there isn't much that I can do with them.
Sometimes I just wish that God could reveal his plan to me just for a split second. Let me just see where I'm going to be ten years down the road so maybe I can figure out where to go from here. That and so I could be assured that I won't be a total failure.

Monday, March 28, 2011

You cannot delete it.

I'm just sitting here in my bed, procrastinating to the point that I can't procrastinate any more. I have three hours worth of microbiology homework to do and we have a huge exam tomorrow. I'm only estimating getting maybe four hours of sleep tonight. I hate that. I love sleeping, and I love dreaming. Honestly, I sleep away the days that I don't work or go to school because there is nothing better for me to do. I hate being awake because something always goes wrong. Most of my days are bad days. There is nothing for me to look forward to anymore, so I just sleep and sleep. I don't even have good dreams though, really. I only have nightmares.
The last dream that I remember vividly was a couple of weeks ago. I was trying to impress some guy or something, so I was getting all dressed up and doing my makeup or something, but then I started getting these disgusting skin growths all over my body, and they were bursting and liquid was coming out of them. I was so horrified, and I went crying to my mom, and she just started screaming at me about how I was fake, and how I shouldn't be trying to impress people and asking "You call yourself a Christian?" over and over. I woke up in tears.
I had a pretty bad day at work today. My drawer was 24 dollars short, and I had to do EVERYTHING because the kid who worked with me today is lazy and doesn't care about his job.

"I can see the words inside your silence, but I can't speak about your pain for you
How long can you burn for anyways
Turning over and back again with tongues ablaze like lions without teeth, hungry
Staring at the forests of flames and our eyes just talking with the trees
If we could drift long enough we'll be home
Sails blown by the fire within pushing me to you
And you can live inside of me, sewn together
Breaking, inhaling, growing and breaking again and again
And you are a part of me
You are my home and I'm your home but I'm no place you want to be

So I'm out here again, sparks hid behind my teeth
I won't say a word for fear of failure spreading
It takes some of us longer to get to our dead-ends now
Oh blood-stained with loose living
Ran through charcoal hearts to make it red
And we can be on fire again, you and I, you want this?
Well say what you want, say what you mean

Or we can talk, lung to closed ear
Head inside a hand turning over again, together
Cut up with cheap heat running through our veins
And we can lay brick by broken brick, our ashes pushed in between
And build this road back home to where we wanna be

We are not on our own, we are the same"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You're my home and I'm your home, but I'm not place you'd want to be.

I'm just going through the motions. Of being a friend, a christian, a whatever. I don't feel anything anymore. Okay, that's an over exaggeration. I don't feel strongly anymore. About anything. I'm not convicted. I'm not on fire for anything or anyone. I don't have a cause or an ambition or a dream. I feel empty, I don't know what it was that kept me going for so long.
A year ago I didn't think I'd be where I am. A year ago I had hope. I didn't think I'd be still living at home, working a part time job and going to college in Leesburg with a bunch of high school burn outs and middle aged weirdos. I'm not even doing that well in school. It's easy, but I don't try anymore.
I'm not really good at anything. There is not a single skill that I excel at more than anything. I'm OKAY at most things, but I'm not great at anything. A lot of people feel like they're being pulled in a bunch of different directions at the same time; I don't feel like I'm being pulled in any.
I can't even think straight anymore. When I'm alone I'm depressed and unmotivated, and when I'm not alone I'm distracted.
I'm not living for anything, sometimes I wonder why I'm living at all.
Most of the people in my life have either left or changed or "have better things to do". I'm not close with my family at all. I know it's mostly my fault, and it breaks my heart. Friends who I thought I'd stay close with have fallen out of touch, and the ones who haven't have better people in their lives.
Everyone has someone, and I have no one.
I'm nobody's everything, even my best friends have higher priorities. And I don't blame them. I guess I just have no priorities.
I can't feel God anymore. Almost ever. I feel cold and alone and hopeless all the time, when I used to be happy almost always. Even when I was sad, it wasn't like this. When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air. When I read my bible, the words never stay with me for more than a moment. The only ONLY time I feel okay is when I'm singing. When I'm praising God and singing with everything I have. When I feel it in my heart, when I sing every word with sincerity and meaning. When I'm singing at the top of my lungs, and I'm not even on key half the time but that's okay because I'm not trying to impress anyone around me. It doesn't happen that often anymore. It's been a few weeks. I need to pursue a relationship with God again; I need to be saved again. I don't know what's stopping me. Maybe it's doubt or lack of motivation.
I'm just afraid if I keep going on like this, there won't be anything left to save.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


I know it's all in good fun, but it's really frustrating. Everyone keeps putting words in my mouth and thoughts in my head and I'm the type of person who just doesn't brush things off. I think about everything. I digest every word anyone ever says to me and think about it over and over. Thinking is a dangerous past time. There is nothing and there will never be anything and I know that, and I'm positively content with that and I've never wanted anything more. I say you're cute because you are, I smile when I text you because you make me laugh, and I say that I love you because I do. That doesn't mean that there is anything else, because there isn't and I just wish other people could understand that. A boy and a girl can be best friends without wanting anything else from each other. Besides, we'd probably be the ugliest couple in the whole world, haha.
Once Duncan said that when you see a man and a woman walk into the same room together, you automatically assume that they're a couple. That must be the principle at work here. I wonder why that is. I mean, I can't lie and say I don't assume the same things about other people, because I do. It's just amazing to me that people can assume things that are so completely opposite of what's really going on. I mean it's all not even a big deal, but in the last couple of weeks a lot of people have brought it up to me, and it just took me by surprise and now it's just kind of annoying.
He's one of the only good things in my life right now, and I don't want that to be ruined by people making me second guess myself.


Don't give in, don't give in.
“Come along with us” they say.
“Let's lie in wait for someone.”
“Let's waylay on their soul.”
“Let's swallow them alive”

I am weak. Every opportunity I'm given to mess up, I take it without a second thought. Or maybe I have second thoughts with the idea that I'll be forgiven. It'll all be okay. But the truth is, at this point at least, I don't feel like I'll be forgiven. I've fallen out of touch with God and I don't think He'll listen to my pleas for forgiveness if all I ever do is run back to what ends up hurting me the most. I don't know why I do it. I could just say no. Sometimes it's like I actively seek it out. Other times I just unexpectedly fall into it. And opportunities always arise when I'm hurting or angry or depressed or sad. In the end it only ends up adding to those negative thoughts and emotions.
I am lost. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore, and I'm full of self doubt. How could someone this weak and broken ever amount to anything?
I've become a sad person, and I can't find my way back to the light.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I feel completely and utterly alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm alone.
I'm reading all of these old blog posts, and I really really miss those days. Even though I sounded like I was always complaining about something, it was the happiest time in my life. Now I'm just miserable and desperate and alone. I was silly and childish about everything, and it was okay because I was a child.
Now I'm grown up and my whole world has crumbled. I put on a happy face, and sure, when I'm with my friends I am happy. But I'm not carefree and optimistic like I used to be. Now I'm just going through the motions because it's what I have to do, and if I didn't I'd just be a sad, worthless being. I don't even know what's holding me together.
My faith is failing more and more. I keep falling into the same patterns. The same bad habits. The same painful cycle. I know He's out there, but sometimes He feels so far away. Of course, temptation comes at the worst times, when I'm in a rut or feeling terrible about myself, or when I'm depressed or lonely or bored. And I give in every single time. I haven't said no in months. Sure I don't do it very often, but I probably would if I could. I feel like a hypocrite, and I am. I just want to go back to the way I used to be. Full of hope and ambition and love. I loved everything then, and now I'm so bitter and full of hate. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what I see. Inside and out.
I'm desperate to be loved. By someone. I'm nineteen years old and I've never experienced love. I don't know how it feels to be held. I don't know what it's like to wake up to cute text messages and fall asleep on the phone. I don't know what it's like to cuddle or even hold someone's hand. I've never been given a goodnight kiss, or any kind of kiss at all. I've never felt attractive or wanted. Literally. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I've missed out on every significant teenage experience. If I have kids, I won't be able to tell them about my high school romances, or how my parents reacted when I brought a boy home, or my prom dates. Because none of that happened for me. It happened for everyone else, but not for me. I'm just anxious. But the thing is, I'm not desperate for just anyone. I won't settle for anyone who doesn't meet my out-of-my-league-standards. I mean, I don't want to waste my time or regret anything. But at the same time I just want something to happen. I just want someone. I want someone who I can just be with and touch and be with. But I don't feel like it's going to happen for me any time soon. No one is going to show up out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet. I live in Leesburg, I'm going to community college where you don't meet anyone worth meeting. I'm just taking up space and going through each day until I figure out what I want to do with myself. I feel like a failure. Like my life is only beginning and I've already gone and messed it up. I wonder what my life would be like if I HAD taken out those student loans and gone to university in Virginia. My entire universe wold be completely different. I would be a completely different person. I bet I would be a better version of myself. My relationship with my parents would be better, and I would have met a ton of new people and I would have friends my own age and I would be happy.
But I'll never know, and it doesn't even matter now. Nothing matters now.