Trying to find truth.

Today was an emotional roller coaster, and I hardly came in contact with anyone all day. I was mopey all day, everything went wrong, I failed my math final, I broke down crying in my car because of how alone/sad/depressed I've been, I drove around tavares for an hour, thinking thoughts that kind of scare me in retrospect. I took my World Religions final, I moped around my house some more, then Stevi picked me up to go to Work to watch Fast Five, and everything was okay. I actually laughed really hard tonight. I even forgot I was sad until just now.

It's just, the thing that kills me is that I try so hard. Really REALLY hard actually. And I don't try with anyone. Ever. I just let people pass me by, I ignore texts, I don't answer phone calls, I ditch on plans. But not with you. I don't want to do any of those things to you. But I'm not used to trying, so when you give me nothing in return, it just hurts my feelings. And you're not doing anything wrong. It's all me. It's probably all in my head. I'm just paranoid. Paranoid of losing you because you're literally one of the only people who has been able to put a real smile on my face in the last couple of months. And I don't want to be too clingy or needy, so I try not to text you a million times in a row, but I see things and think of things, and I think of you and I can't help it and I don't know what's up, but if I did something wrong I wish you would tell me. Or if you're getting sick of me I wish you would tell me. At least put my mind at ease.

I’m nicotine
I’m coming clean
I fooled the crowd
when I made it sound like I was more than ready
strike up the band
deprive my sleep
cause there’s no love like apathy
the bell that tolls rings loud enough
that it should have woke us up
I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I’d wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you
I read your last entry
over-privileged kids keep crying
the need to fit in gets harder
when living life from a screen
old classmates please drop all your pens
don’t write a word cause I won't reply
and I’m not bitter, no it's just I’ve passed that point in my life
I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I'd wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you
each night it ends too soon
you don’t hold me like you used to
and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much 'cause
it's always some excuse
too tired, too obtuse
you look so far, removed
this time I fear I’m losing you for good
I'mm nicotine... I'm a cash machine
I'm the color green
and you should've seen the looks I just received
I need a reason to let go
an intervention, or a lullaby
something to cure me, please believe me--
I’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things I wish I'd wrote
cause I feel like I’ve been losing you
each night it ends too soon
you don’t hold me like you used to
and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much but
it's always some excuse
too tired, too obtuse
you look so far removed
this time I fear I’m just not getting through