Stupid.

I absolutely disgust myself sometimes. I feel like the most hideous person in the world sometimes. I don't understand why I can't just stick with it, why I can't go to the gym constantly enough to work, and why every time I'm bored I feel like heading for the kitchen. I feel like my life would be a thousand times better if I was just about fifty pounds lighter. At least. I wish it wasn't twelve at night, I'd drive to the gym and run a million miles. Why can't I be motivated when I need to be? Why the heck couldn't I have been born with some super fast metabolism or something. Or even a regular speed one.
Sometimes I hate that every single one of my friends is freakin' gorgeous. It really does a number on my self esteem.
I feel like a complainy little emo annoying girl. But I can't really help it. I feel awful.
I wish it was winter, then I could go jogging and whatnot arround my neighborhood.

I'm really really starting to like this kid and it's making me feel retarded, because I'm not good enough for him, and I never will beee. But he's so nicee and funnyyy and sillyyy and outgoinngggg and we have so much in common and he's freakin' adorable and he has amazing taste in musicccc, and he gives me a lot of attention, and I LOVE ATTENTION, which he gives most people alot of attention, but it does't change the fact that it feels nice. These qualities are probably why prettier girls like him, and why this will never ever happen.
Ugly girls can't have feelings for people. It's just not right.

come with us now on a journey through time and space

So I'm lost again on what I want to be when I "grow up". I don't have a lot of time to decide or anything, college applications are going to come and go super fast. I'm rethinking art school serioulsy. I wish I could go away to London for art school. It would be nice, I'd be right at the Tate, and I know some really cool galleries around there. I wish. If only I had really ridiculously rich parents... or grandparents. Or rich anything. I don't know. I do know that I started painting for my AP portfolio (FINALLY) today. I started painting an eye, and I'm pretty happy with it, but the rest of the face is pretty rough at the moment.
I'm just mostly afraid I don't have what it takes. I'm not some crazy druggie who has visions that they can translate onto paper, and I'm not some insane realist who can draw as good as a photo. I'm just floating around somewhere in the middle. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want some mundane life, I want an exciting life, like idk, art shows in bakeries and nonsense. I just don't know about myself anymore.

The Great Divide and my newfound love....

Mario is leaving the church :/ it was made official about a week ago, and tonight is his last youth. He's staying in central florida, and part of me wants to follow him, but part of me wants to remain faithful to the church, and not let what Mario helped us build just die. I'm just torn. Plus, the church is in financial trouble as it is, and seriously needs some help.... Mario is announcing it to the Youth tonight.... I think I might cry D:

But, on the happy side, I have a newfound love for Noel Fielding <3>

I relly don't have my life together haha.

falling apart.

yeah, it is. I wish I could give details, but I'm not allowed. Not like anyone reads this, but just in case.

I have not been this upset in a long long long time.

On Conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be estalished by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector"
Matthew 18:15-17

I've got step one down, but it's not working. What do I do now?

madness?

Today was a pretty good day I'd say. Ice cream was pretty fun, we ended up going to Twistee Treat, and we got really lucky because it was raining like a boss, but by the time we got there, it had all cleared up. Erin told me that Kyle was trying to guess who I liked, and his first guess was Seth. I loled so hard at that. I mean really? Seth? Sorry, wrong. Anddd movie night was great as well!!! Everyone seemed to like the snickerdoodles, and we made a bunch of popcorn. We watched the Princess Bride for the girly movie, and 300 for the manly one. I'm not going to lie, I quite liked 300 more than I thought I would. I don't know why, but this weeks movie night went so much better than last week. Oh wait, I do know why.......... paha

I hate this though, it's really frustrating. How come when other people are having problems, I know exactly how they should fix them, but when I am having them, I don't even know the right words to say.

Three Things

Three things that would make my life pretty much perfect right now, in no particular order.

1) For me and Zack to get along, for him to become a christian, and stop cursing all the time.

2) A man, not completely neccessary, but I'm a teenage girl, I'll always want that ;)

3) To repair our friendship, yeah, I'd like that alot.......


Other than that, my life is fantastic. I had my first lazy day in seriously like two weeks, and it was glorious. All I did was myspace, watch TV, and bake cookies! Although, my cookie baking escapade was not as great as it could have been. My first batch of sugar cookies turned out DISGUSTING, seriously, I couldn't even eat them and threw them away. Then I decided to make snickerdoodles instead and they are heavenly ;) okay maybe not that good but stilllll, delicious! Oh, and of course Austin Adkins had to walk into my house when I looked like a homeless person. No makeup, pajamas, covered in cookie batter, not even wearing a bra, fml.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL SO FREAKING STUPID RIGHT NOW.
Stop it, right now!

Things that made me happy today.

Scars for Stories using my pictures as their myspace default/band member pictures.
The fact that my pictures got their own albums on the Scars for Stories myspace.
Nana asking me if I lost weight lately.
Dustin saying "FOUR DOLLAHZ, CRISP" all the time.
Dustin buying an oatmeal colored V-neck
Erin helping me wash/clean my car.
Shopping with Erin and Dustin.
The guy at the walgreens photo department beeing so cool about me using change to pay.

Things that didn't make me happy today:
Seeing Dustin's nether-region breifly.
The creepy sticky substance in my glove compartment.

So, overall, I'd say that it was a pretty good day :)
Tomorrow I need to: clean my room, wash the windows, and DO FOUR FLVS ASSIGNMENTS, UGH!

Every thought in thought of you.

No one here to believe but You
Everyone else is bound to leave but You
When they swear their love is real
They mean "I like the way you make me feel"
No one here to believe but You
There's no one here to believe than You

I hate having feelings for someone, because when they have feelings for someone else, you just get hurt. I just need to face the fact that guys don't like girls like me. I think it's impossible. I'm just not pretty, nice, funny, charming, or cute enough. I really freaking hate myself sometimes.

But that shouldn't be the focus of my life, God should be. And I'm working on it. I'm getting better, I think. I have slacked on reading my Bible lately though...

Another Scars for Stories show last night :) I'm so proud of them, they always do so well! I took some pictures last night, I just need to go drop the film off at walgreens on my way to the gym....

mmm

I feel so tired. I've been busy for seriously the last week straight, with no relaxing days in between. It's fun, but hectic, and tomorrow is going to be no exception!
Hmmmm, it's silly but I seem to be developing a crush on a certain someone ;) not like anything will come of it, nothing ever does. Sheri and Erin and Skye know, and I swear if it got out I'd kill them.
Aparently some bs went down in tampa while josh was gone, so according to dustin, josh said "he might be back sooner than he thought" works for us, sucks for him.
I'm pretty excited to have a girly movie fest tomorrow! The whole thing came about because of Dustin's desire to see The Notebook, haha what a girl. Now I just have to figure out how to seat nine people in my living room... tricky :)

Sad Day

Josh is gone D: I don't know how, but in the one week he was here, we all got so attatched to him! I mean, he only lives in tampa, an hour away, but still, it's not like we can see him every day like the past four days or so. My van feels empty without him :(

Haha, we saw My Sister's Keeper today, though. Seriously, the saddest movie I've seen since P.S. I love you. Dustin cried like a lil' baby and I love it!!!

sketchball

I love how since I have no drama of my own, other peoples problems transform into mine. It's a horrible problem, too. I don't know what side I should be on.
This week has been exceptionally good, all things aside. I don't know, I guess because I was busy most of the time because people actually invited me to do stuff haha.
After youth last night, a bunch of people came and hung out at skye's barn, and it was so amazingly fun. Then, the boys had to leave and it was just Me, Skye, Sheri, and Erin, and we had a sleepover. It was fantastic :) so much girly talk, I didn't know what to do with it. Plus, I love all of them so much, and they're all so fun/funny. We can have such a great time just talking and eating oatmeal :) It was a great day, even after the drama came and whatnot. I just hate to see people upset, especially when I can't do anything to help.
This is a really scatterbrained blog entry.... or at least I feel like it.
Ugh, why does that sketchball have to be so charming, she can't help but fall for that!!!!
I don't knoooooooooow. I don't want to give out the wrong advice
BAH! Now I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to do any flvs geometry work. But I have to do one more today so I don't get kicked out.
Summer is slipping by so fast, it's scary. I don't want to be a senior, I don't want to graduate, I don't want to be on my own. I don't even know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Well, it's not set in stone at least.
Hmmmm I hope that tidbit of info stays secret....
By the way, if you actually read all of this, you're my hero :D

my 4th, in a nut shell.

For the first time that I can remember, a guy called me pretty. Not "you look pretty", not "your eyes are so pretty", not some sort of awkward mandatory compliment, not as an online picture comment. But actually looking me straight in the face and saying "mary, you're pretty". I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal to you probably, but it is for me. I think everyone needs to hear that once in a while.

So anyway, today was freaking amazingggg. We all went to kyles (Me, Heather, Erin, My LIL BRO, Cliff, Bobby, Dustin even though he lives there, this kid Mike, and Kyle's BFF Josh from Tampa), even though he had to work (LAME), and went swimming, and then we headed over to venitian gardens early to watch the fireworks. It took us forever to find a spot, and we finally found a place near the water and laid down my tiger blanket and some sheets. Seth, Julie, Liz, MK, and Austin came to visit us from the baseball feild, and it was a good time. Then they left, and we all played some volleyball (badly). Theeeeen it was time for fireworks, and we didn't know where they were going to go off, and they just started going off like right above us. We seriously had the best spot ever. The fireworks were wonderful, and lasted a lonnnnng time. And then we went to go back to Kyles, got STUCK IN TRAFIC, UGH. Josh found my Now 4 cd in the back seat, and that pretty much saved us, because my music selection SUCKS for large ammounts of people (Jack Johnson and Bob Dylan can only get you so far). Thennnn we went swimming some more, Kyle joined us this time since he was off work FINALLY. And we went to Denny's at 3:30 in the morning, and Erin bought me pancake puppies because she is the BEST, and we saw LASHAWNDA there, but she didn't remember Erin oh nooo.

I love my friends, they are the best people in the whole world :) even little Zacky is getting better. Even though every FREAKING WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS THE F WORD. Geeze, work on the vocab Zack (AND Dustin AND Josh).

All in all, it was probably the best 4th of july I can ever remember having. I love my life :)