Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Disappointed, I know you are.

I couldn't ever imagine such harsh words directed at me.
I just can't get over it.
I literally feel nauseous and I've got that stinging pain behind my eyes.
I know they're outdated words, but they were true 12 hours ago, and part of them has to be true now.
I hate myself so much.
I wonder how often people think things like that about me, but don't bother writing them out.
Probably more often than I could handle.
I can't even handle this.
But this isn't about me, really, it isn't.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm going to go cry myself to sleep like the pathetic human being I am.

They say this language is dead, then why do we speak?

I can't stop listening to The Chariot. The lyrics on the new album just speak to me. Honestly, if it wasn't for this album right now, I'd probably have broken down crying on my way to work today.
I thought I completely ruined one of the handful of friendships that I honestly treasure, and it made me sick to my stomach because it would have been all my fault.
I'm not making excuses, all I ever wanted to do was to reach out to someone who was in pain. I wanted to be there for someone because no one is ever there for me. But of course, I let one sentence slip out that I should have kept to myself. I don't know why I wrote those words, I wasn't thinking. Maybe I was at a loss for something else to say. Less than a dozen careless words almost destroyed one of the only friendships that are keeping me sane right now.
I just want to help people but I just end up making things worse.
I am good for absolutely nothing.
We made up, and I pray that things aren't affected by my stupid mistake.
I came home and read her blog post from earlier, and I almost started crying. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone, it was exactly the opposite.
Every good intention laid to waste.
But I would be angry with me, too. I just feel a pain in my chest that won't go away.
Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to make it in the real world. Falling outs with my friends feel like the end of the world. Reading negative words about myself chokes me up. I'm more sensitive than any person should be.
I can't seem to catch a break lately. Every day has been constant hurt and self loathing and anger. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm on the brink of being physically ill from anxiety.
At least work was okay today. I worked with luke, and he sang to me a lot because it was super dead all afternoon, and we talked about how we were going to survive if there was a tornado and I think he's going to come to church next week.

The only "surrender" tonight, shall not be our own
They cannot escape, one if by land, two if by sea
I saved my money, but it can't save me
And maybe there is blood from the past, but that is not from me
They can take away one man, and they can take away his mic
But they cannot take us all
No, they can't dig a hole the right size to fit all of our dreams
They can't bury me, they can't bury me
We can't hope that somebody else take our place
No, we can't hope that somebody else take our place

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The distance between our feet and the earth was the only thing never to change.

Why are we all so sad? It must be something in the Lake County water. Or maybe it's just a part of growing up. Both of my siblings and a couple of my closest friends have started writing blogs, and I'm just overcome by how depressed everyone really seems to be deep down. We all put on such happy faces when we're together, but I guess I forget that everyone has a story. I'm not the only one.
Today was a train wreck. Everything is going wrong for everyone. Backstabbing and hurt feelings and mixed emotions and gossip. Of course, I wasn't the subject of most of this, really. I rarely am. But it's not to say that I'm not affected.
It hurts me to see my friends hurting each other. It frustrates me to see men picking on boys, and to watch girls try to break away from people that they don't want to hurt. I'm watching the people I love get hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Especially you. If you're reading this, I just want you to stay strong. I know that this is horrible and overwhelming, but I admire you so much and I just pray that everything is going to work out.

I keep reading things on facebook about the graduating high schoolers getting accepted to college and whatnot. It just makes me angry. I'm stuck in this hellish town, living at home, and these kids are going to be living the life that I want to live. I want a real college experience, and right now it's like I'm in the 13th grade. I hate going to classes. I hate being around the people there. Just being there makes me feel like a failure. It's the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs, and it's exactly where I ended up.
At this rate, I'm going to amount to nothing.
I am nothing.
Someone posted a link to Virginia Commonwealth University, the college that I got accepted to but couldn't go to because my family won't pay for my education. It just makes me feel sick.
I want to be someone, but I can't find the motivation or courage to go for it. I have so many dreams, and I know the life I want to live but I can't find a solid path to get there.
I don't want to settle for less.
I think I'm going to look into cinematography again. I think I'd be good at it, and I could still do photography since they sort of go hand in hand. Besides, I'd like to make movies. Or help make them at least. To make people see what I see, feel what I feel.
But then again, maybe not.
I just don't know. I mean, I know I have an eye for composition, I have an appreciation for fashion, I have a watered-down imagination, I'm slightly above average in the creativity department, I'm fairly well spoken, I'm not tune deaf, and I have a knack for reading people, especially when it comes to relationships. Those are my only real talents and positive traits and there isn't much that I can do with them.
Sometimes I just wish that God could reveal his plan to me just for a split second. Let me just see where I'm going to be ten years down the road so maybe I can figure out where to go from here. That and so I could be assured that I won't be a total failure.

Monday, March 28, 2011

You cannot delete it.

I'm just sitting here in my bed, procrastinating to the point that I can't procrastinate any more. I have three hours worth of microbiology homework to do and we have a huge exam tomorrow. I'm only estimating getting maybe four hours of sleep tonight. I hate that. I love sleeping, and I love dreaming. Honestly, I sleep away the days that I don't work or go to school because there is nothing better for me to do. I hate being awake because something always goes wrong. Most of my days are bad days. There is nothing for me to look forward to anymore, so I just sleep and sleep. I don't even have good dreams though, really. I only have nightmares.
The last dream that I remember vividly was a couple of weeks ago. I was trying to impress some guy or something, so I was getting all dressed up and doing my makeup or something, but then I started getting these disgusting skin growths all over my body, and they were bursting and liquid was coming out of them. I was so horrified, and I went crying to my mom, and she just started screaming at me about how I was fake, and how I shouldn't be trying to impress people and asking "You call yourself a Christian?" over and over. I woke up in tears.
I had a pretty bad day at work today. My drawer was 24 dollars short, and I had to do EVERYTHING because the kid who worked with me today is lazy and doesn't care about his job.

"I can see the words inside your silence, but I can't speak about your pain for you
How long can you burn for anyways
Turning over and back again with tongues ablaze like lions without teeth, hungry
Staring at the forests of flames and our eyes just talking with the trees
If we could drift long enough we'll be home
Sails blown by the fire within pushing me to you
And you can live inside of me, sewn together
Breaking, inhaling, growing and breaking again and again
And you are a part of me
You are my home and I'm your home but I'm no place you want to be

So I'm out here again, sparks hid behind my teeth
I won't say a word for fear of failure spreading
It takes some of us longer to get to our dead-ends now
Oh blood-stained with loose living
Ran through charcoal hearts to make it red
And we can be on fire again, you and I, you want this?
Well say what you want, say what you mean

Or we can talk, lung to closed ear
Head inside a hand turning over again, together
Cut up with cheap heat running through our veins
And we can lay brick by broken brick, our ashes pushed in between
And build this road back home to where we wanna be

We are not on our own, we are the same"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You're my home and I'm your home, but I'm not place you'd want to be.

I'm just going through the motions. Of being a friend, a christian, a whatever. I don't feel anything anymore. Okay, that's an over exaggeration. I don't feel strongly anymore. About anything. I'm not convicted. I'm not on fire for anything or anyone. I don't have a cause or an ambition or a dream. I feel empty, I don't know what it was that kept me going for so long.
A year ago I didn't think I'd be where I am. A year ago I had hope. I didn't think I'd be still living at home, working a part time job and going to college in Leesburg with a bunch of high school burn outs and middle aged weirdos. I'm not even doing that well in school. It's easy, but I don't try anymore.
I'm not really good at anything. There is not a single skill that I excel at more than anything. I'm OKAY at most things, but I'm not great at anything. A lot of people feel like they're being pulled in a bunch of different directions at the same time; I don't feel like I'm being pulled in any.
I can't even think straight anymore. When I'm alone I'm depressed and unmotivated, and when I'm not alone I'm distracted.
I'm not living for anything, sometimes I wonder why I'm living at all.
Most of the people in my life have either left or changed or "have better things to do". I'm not close with my family at all. I know it's mostly my fault, and it breaks my heart. Friends who I thought I'd stay close with have fallen out of touch, and the ones who haven't have better people in their lives.
Everyone has someone, and I have no one.
I'm nobody's everything, even my best friends have higher priorities. And I don't blame them. I guess I just have no priorities.
I can't feel God anymore. Almost ever. I feel cold and alone and hopeless all the time, when I used to be happy almost always. Even when I was sad, it wasn't like this. When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air. When I read my bible, the words never stay with me for more than a moment. The only ONLY time I feel okay is when I'm singing. When I'm praising God and singing with everything I have. When I feel it in my heart, when I sing every word with sincerity and meaning. When I'm singing at the top of my lungs, and I'm not even on key half the time but that's okay because I'm not trying to impress anyone around me. It doesn't happen that often anymore. It's been a few weeks. I need to pursue a relationship with God again; I need to be saved again. I don't know what's stopping me. Maybe it's doubt or lack of motivation.
I'm just afraid if I keep going on like this, there won't be anything left to save.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


I know it's all in good fun, but it's really frustrating. Everyone keeps putting words in my mouth and thoughts in my head and I'm the type of person who just doesn't brush things off. I think about everything. I digest every word anyone ever says to me and think about it over and over. Thinking is a dangerous past time. There is nothing and there will never be anything and I know that, and I'm positively content with that and I've never wanted anything more. I say you're cute because you are, I smile when I text you because you make me laugh, and I say that I love you because I do. That doesn't mean that there is anything else, because there isn't and I just wish other people could understand that. A boy and a girl can be best friends without wanting anything else from each other. Besides, we'd probably be the ugliest couple in the whole world, haha.
Once Duncan said that when you see a man and a woman walk into the same room together, you automatically assume that they're a couple. That must be the principle at work here. I wonder why that is. I mean, I can't lie and say I don't assume the same things about other people, because I do. It's just amazing to me that people can assume things that are so completely opposite of what's really going on. I mean it's all not even a big deal, but in the last couple of weeks a lot of people have brought it up to me, and it just took me by surprise and now it's just kind of annoying.
He's one of the only good things in my life right now, and I don't want that to be ruined by people making me second guess myself.


Don't give in, don't give in.
“Come along with us” they say.
“Let's lie in wait for someone.”
“Let's waylay on their soul.”
“Let's swallow them alive”

I am weak. Every opportunity I'm given to mess up, I take it without a second thought. Or maybe I have second thoughts with the idea that I'll be forgiven. It'll all be okay. But the truth is, at this point at least, I don't feel like I'll be forgiven. I've fallen out of touch with God and I don't think He'll listen to my pleas for forgiveness if all I ever do is run back to what ends up hurting me the most. I don't know why I do it. I could just say no. Sometimes it's like I actively seek it out. Other times I just unexpectedly fall into it. And opportunities always arise when I'm hurting or angry or depressed or sad. In the end it only ends up adding to those negative thoughts and emotions.
I am lost. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore, and I'm full of self doubt. How could someone this weak and broken ever amount to anything?
I've become a sad person, and I can't find my way back to the light.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I feel completely and utterly alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm alone.
I'm reading all of these old blog posts, and I really really miss those days. Even though I sounded like I was always complaining about something, it was the happiest time in my life. Now I'm just miserable and desperate and alone. I was silly and childish about everything, and it was okay because I was a child.
Now I'm grown up and my whole world has crumbled. I put on a happy face, and sure, when I'm with my friends I am happy. But I'm not carefree and optimistic like I used to be. Now I'm just going through the motions because it's what I have to do, and if I didn't I'd just be a sad, worthless being. I don't even know what's holding me together.
My faith is failing more and more. I keep falling into the same patterns. The same bad habits. The same painful cycle. I know He's out there, but sometimes He feels so far away. Of course, temptation comes at the worst times, when I'm in a rut or feeling terrible about myself, or when I'm depressed or lonely or bored. And I give in every single time. I haven't said no in months. Sure I don't do it very often, but I probably would if I could. I feel like a hypocrite, and I am. I just want to go back to the way I used to be. Full of hope and ambition and love. I loved everything then, and now I'm so bitter and full of hate. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what I see. Inside and out.
I'm desperate to be loved. By someone. I'm nineteen years old and I've never experienced love. I don't know how it feels to be held. I don't know what it's like to wake up to cute text messages and fall asleep on the phone. I don't know what it's like to cuddle or even hold someone's hand. I've never been given a goodnight kiss, or any kind of kiss at all. I've never felt attractive or wanted. Literally. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I've missed out on every significant teenage experience. If I have kids, I won't be able to tell them about my high school romances, or how my parents reacted when I brought a boy home, or my prom dates. Because none of that happened for me. It happened for everyone else, but not for me. I'm just anxious. But the thing is, I'm not desperate for just anyone. I won't settle for anyone who doesn't meet my out-of-my-league-standards. I mean, I don't want to waste my time or regret anything. But at the same time I just want something to happen. I just want someone. I want someone who I can just be with and touch and be with. But I don't feel like it's going to happen for me any time soon. No one is going to show up out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet. I live in Leesburg, I'm going to community college where you don't meet anyone worth meeting. I'm just taking up space and going through each day until I figure out what I want to do with myself. I feel like a failure. Like my life is only beginning and I've already gone and messed it up. I wonder what my life would be like if I HAD taken out those student loans and gone to university in Virginia. My entire universe wold be completely different. I would be a completely different person. I bet I would be a better version of myself. My relationship with my parents would be better, and I would have met a ton of new people and I would have friends my own age and I would be happy.
But I'll never know, and it doesn't even matter now. Nothing matters now.