Today was an emotional roller coaster, and I hardly came in contact with anyone all day. I was mopey all day, everything went wrong, I failed my math final, I broke down crying in my car because of how alone/sad/depressed I've been, I drove around tavares for an hour, thinking thoughts that kind of scare me in retrospect. I took my World Religions final, I moped around my house some more, then Stevi picked me up to go to Work to watch Fast Five, and everything was okay. I actually laughed really hard tonight. I even forgot I was sad until just now.
It's just, the thing that kills me is that I try so hard. Really REALLY hard actually. And I don't try with anyone. Ever. I just let people pass me by, I ignore texts, I don't answer phone calls, I ditch on plans. But not with you. I don't want to do any of those things to you. But I'm not used to trying, so when you give me nothing in return, it just hurts my feelings. And you're not doing anything wrong. It's all me. It's probably all in my head. I'm just paranoid. Paranoid of losing you because you're literally one of the only people who has been able to put a real smile on my face in the last couple of months. And I don't want to be too clingy or needy, so I try not to text you a million times in a row, but I see things and think of things, and I think of you and I can't help it and I don't know what's up, but if I did something wrong I wish you would tell me. Or if you're getting sick of me I wish you would tell me. At least put my mind at ease.
I’m nicotine I’m coming clean I fooled the crowd when I made it sound like I was more than ready strike up the band deprive my sleep cause there’s no love like apathy the bell that tolls rings loud enough that it should have woke us up I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes in all the things I wish I’d wrote cause I feel like I’ve been losing you I read your last entry over-privileged kids keep crying the need to fit in gets harder when living life from a screen old classmates please drop all your pens don’t write a word cause I won't reply and I’m not bitter, no it's just I’ve passed that point in my life I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes in all the things I wish I'd wrote cause I feel like I’ve been losing you each night it ends too soon you don’t hold me like you used to and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much 'cause it's always some excuse too tired, too obtuse you look so far, removed this time I fear I’m losing you for good I'mm nicotine... I'm a cash machine I'm the color green and you should've seen the looks I just received I need a reason to let go an intervention, or a lullaby something to cure me, please believe me-- I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes in all the things I wish I'd wrote cause I feel like I’ve been losing you each night it ends too soon you don’t hold me like you used to and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much but it's always some excuse too tired, too obtuse you look so far removed this time I fear I’m just not getting through
What in the hell am I supposed to do for the world?
What is the meaning in this life?
I make cries for attention because I need reassurance that I'm not a total failure.
But I know no matter what anyone says, I won't believe them.
I'm a failure.
Nobody really cares about me or where I'm going.
I'm nobody's everything.
I just want to throw up.
Or throw myself off the side of a cliff.
A part of me thinks that people are only my friend because they feel sorry for me.
Days like today I let that part of me take over.
When are things going to be okay again?
When am I going to be happy and carefree again?
I guess this has to do with growing up.
But it seems so easy for everyone else.
I'm just lost.
I feel worried that my brain, is just a fool in your sick game, so I will never open my heart. I've tried to express, how I feel, but it changes everyday, so I'm finding it hard, Let's take life, nice and easy, We could go, somewhere breezy, but it gets so complicated, everyone I fucking hate it, And I need to get away and I I can't escape, I cant escape and I was thinking today that I should think of taking my life to a higher plane and I need to get away and I I can't escape, I cant escape and I was thinking today that I should think about taking my life
Maybe if you could stop being a raging. bitch. for one. day. Stop and think before you talk. Stop hurting my feelings and being vicious and malicious and selfish and immature every time things don't go your way. You're the one who had us, you signed up for everything that came with it. Just because I don't talk to you when you're in this kind of mood because I don't want to say something I regret, you get angry at me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. Go yell at your sons, fine. I admit, he's being immature and disrespectful, but I haven't said a word to you, so could you please return the favor?
You are selfish.
You are hurtful.
And you wonder why I don't want to be around you. Why I don't chit chat with you. Why our relationship is total fucking shit. Think about other peoples' feelings before you start screaming like a banshee. Your opinion isn't the only one that matters. You aren't the only one who has feelings and needs and all of that.
All you do is complain and make threats that you don't mean.
Maybe the boys can handle it, but I can't take this any more.
I can't get started from the part Where I left off yesterday. I should have spent my time a little wiser. I sat alone, Guilty it seemed, Waiting for words to come From out of my head Still making sense to anyone. I can't wait to understand the reason, I have yet to translate any meaning besides, It's not worth it to try. Get out Get out. Lock myself up in a room without a window, Just to see if it was any easier to breathe. I was wrong. Never underestimate the daylight. There, it's so much easier to breathe. I can't wait to understand the reason, And I've yet to translate any meaning, Besides, it's not worth it to try. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. There's no meaning, Besides, it's not worth it to try. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
is all that matters. That's what it feels like anyway.
That's the measurement of beauty.
That's the measurement of character.
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to be able to wear tank tops without my boobs hanging out, and I want to be able to wear two piece bathing suits and I want to be able to get tattoos on my arms and I want to not feel inferior and ugly and disgusting and not-good-enough all the time. I want to be able to complain about my weight, knowing that it's not really an issue. I want to be able to shop in normal stores. I want to be able to have feelings for a boy without feeling like a freak.
When I am overcome with these feelings, I feel terrible. Like I'm a terrible friend. A terrible person. It's just that I can't (I honestly CAN NOT) grasp how you can be so completely and utterly unintelligent. I wonder how you can live life on such a lower level . I mean, I'm not saying that I'm a genius, or that I'm superior to you really, it's just that some of the things that come out of your mouth are... almost embarrassing.
I thank God that he gave me the ability to think for myself. I just wonder if it's the way you were raised? Or are you really honestly incapable of higher thinking?
I just want to get in to your head for a day to see what's there. If anything is there.
Okay now I'm just being mean.
But you are a good person with a kind heart, and I'll give you that much. It's more than I could boast.
My days have been getting better. Only minor annoyances here and there, as opposed to days of self destruction and over thinking. I've still got a lot going on, but now that classes are almost over it's sort of winding down.
I don't feel like I'm suffocating any more.
I can feel myself breaking free, bit by bit.
God, I need you now. Just please reveal your plan to me, because I'm still lost, and you're my only hope.
I feel like I live my life through music. I feel like there is a song that completely describes how I feel at any given moment, and music is one of the only things that keeps me grounded these days. I remember a time where I wasn't really big into any music in particular, but then I discovered the internet, and my life exploded.
And sure, I have a really weird taste in music, and it has evolved over the years, but music in general has captivated me ever since.
I really don't think I could live without it.
Anyway, today was really great. Very chill. Nothing to be upset about. Nothing to worry about. It was nice, and I spent time with a million people who I absolutely love who I don't get to spend that much time with. Erin and I just hung out and we went to Moe's and ran into everyone in the world, and then came back to my house and painted our nails and listened to music and played music and chilled, and me and Brent talked about the stupidest things ever for like 45 minutes and it was just nice.
I’ve got 500 reasons to get upset But I’d rather laugh it off then go and make a mess Got a whole lotta demons acting up in my head But I refuse to cut a deal just yet
Oh no, when the world is dragging me down again
Yes I know, yes I know I can turn things around my friends But I hit the wall again I hit the wall again No more imagining, think I hit the wall again I don’t know how it started or how it’s gonna end But I feel it rising, rising, rising
And I got no more money for the penny arcade It never stopped me from playing I haven’t found my way across this wild parade It never stopped me from dreaming
And will you tell all your friends You've got your gun to my head? This all was only wishful thinkin', This all was only wishful thinkin' And will you tell all your friends You've got your gun to my head? This all was only wishful thinkin', This all was only wishful thinkin' Let's go... Don't bother trying to explain angel I know exactly what goes on when you're on, and How about I'm outside of your window? Well how about I'm outside of your window? Watchin' him keep the details covered? You're such a sucker for a sweet talker, yeah Such a sucker... And will you tell all your friends You've got your gun to my head? This all was only wishful thinkin', This all was only wishful thinkin' (The only thing I'll regret is that I...) And will you tell all your friends You've got your gun to my head? (...I never let you hold me back) This all was only wishful thinkin', This all was only wishful thinkin' Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins I will never ask if you don't ever tell me I know you well enough to know you'll never love me Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you? And all of this was all your fault And all of this... It makes things worse I stay wrecked andjealous for this, For this simple reason I Just need to keep you in mind As something larger than life She'll destroy us all before she's through
I'm ready to be done with this. It's alright. It's whatever. I can be alone, I've been alone for nineteen years, it's not a big deal. And when I say that I mean it's really not a big deal, it's not like I'm saying it's not but it really is.
Yesterday was good. Even the bad parts were alright.
Church was nice, I actually listened to the sermon because it was completely relevant to my life. Somehow whenever I'm going through something really bad, there is always something in church that relates exactly to how I feel. It's really weird, I can never figure out if it's just coincidence or what. But I like it.
Then, I spent the day with Annabelle making hot dog jellyfish that were better in concept than in execution, but they were fun, and we just sat on Zack's bed tumblin' and talkin' and she gave me a pedicure and I serenaded her we listened to Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday and it was really chill and I liked it.
And youth was really nice and normal. I ate coleslaw and brownies, and we won the game that we played, and that boy wore a really soft shirt which was extra nice to hug.
It was just that simple. A day without stress.
And I just woke up to an inspiring quote from Skye, and a random I love you text from Julian. It's things like that that make me happy that I have such beautiful wonderful people in my life.
All I want is a way out. Every. Single. Day. You nag me, you bombard me with negativity until I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be around you. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want out out OUT. I can't stand to be in the same room as you for more than a few minutes. Every time I say one word to you, it turns into a lecture. LEAVE ME ALONE. I've got things going on in my life, I have priorities, and sometimes I just want to relax. And that's impossible. Because you can't go a single day without making me feel like a total waste of space.
I swear, if I don't get into UCF, I'll freak out.
I can't take another year of this.
I don't care if I go into debt.
I'll take care of that later.
I just need to leave this town and meet new people, and be away from THIS. Be away from YOU.
But all I could do was close my eyes And cross my arms and hope to die Cause you don't fucking listen When I'm around. The least you could do is take it back All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks Cause I can't fucking stand it. When You're Around.
And that's all I'm going to say on this matter for now.
I don't need to waste my time thinking about this. I just blow things out of proportion. Even though I am attracted to you, and we have this really weird friendship where I can't even tell when you're kidding and when you're not. Whatever, I'm just going to sit back and see what happens.
I decided I'm going to apply to UCF for the fall semester.
I was going to wait until next year, but I can't take this place anymore. I just hope I get in. I don't know how much more rejection my self esteem can take, ha.
I'd like to just have a fresh start, in a fresh place.
Sure, I've already got friends there, but it'll be far enough from home to get me out of my comfort zone, and make me grow up.
Since when do glasses equal ugly? I wore my contacts for the first time in months today, and I got so many compliments. I mean, I guess that's nice and all but I didn't realize how bad I looked normally? Sort of annoying. Especially since I hate wearing these stupid things, my eyes have been irritated all night.
Speaking of irritated. Please. Please. Please. Do not. Do this to me. Don't say things and then say you're just kidding and play-hold-my-hand and stand really close to me and make me second guess myself, then second guess that. I hate feeling this way, especially when I know I don't really have a chance, and all of this is just messing around. It makes me feel like a stupid girl, and I know that's what I am, but give me a break.
I'm just wasting time, and I know that, but I don't know.
I really don't.
It's not even a big deal.
I just think too much, that's all.
My brother and I are getting closer, and I love it.
Tonight was actually really great now that I'm thinking about it.
Good friends and good music, it felt sort of like old times.
I shot a wedding last night, and it kind of made me sad. It was really cute and simple and friendly, and it just made me imagine what my wedding will be like one day. If I ever have one. I know I'm still young, but I feel like I won't ever find anyone. I'm not good enough for anyone.
It's sort of this complex I've always had.
No, I'm not saying I'm anxious to get married, obviously I'm not. I want to live my life first, but I don't want to live it alone.
I just want someone who I care about more than myself, who feels the same way.
But thinking about it just makes me sad and anxious so I'm going to stop.
Things will happen when they're meant to happen, and I need to have faith in that.
I've just got to be patient standing by in the mean time.
I hate being patient.
Simply knowing you exist ain't good enough for me But asking for your telephone number Seems highly inappropriate Seeing as, I can't Even say hi When you walk by And that time you shook my hand, it felt so nice I swear I never feel this way about any other guy And I never usually notice people's eyes, but.... I conducted a plan to bump in to you most accidentally But I was walking along and I bumped into you Much more heavily than I'd originally planned It was, well, embarrassing And I think you thought that I was a bit of a twat I just think that we'd get on I wish I could tell you face to face Instead of singing this stupid song But yeah, I just think that we might get on So I went to that party and everyone They were kind of art-y And I was wearing this dress Because I wanted to impress But I wasn't sure if I looked my best 'Cause I was so nervous But I carried on regardless Strutting through each room trying to find you And when I saw you kissing that girl My heart, it shattered And my eyes, they watered And when I tried to speak, I stuttered And my friends were like "Whatever! You'll find someone better! His eyes were way too close together! And we never even liked him from the start! And now he's with that tart And I heard she's done some really nasty stuff Down in the park with Michael He said she's easy And if your guy's with someone that's sleazy Then he ain't worth your time 'Cause you deserve a real nice guy!" So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry And lock myself in the toilets for the entire night Saturday night I watched channel five I particularly liked CSI I don't ever dream about you and me I don't ever make up stuff about you and me Because that is insanity I don't ever drive by your house to see if you're in I don't even have an opinion on that tramp that you're still seeing I don't know your timetable I don't know your face off by heart But I must admit that there is still a part of me that still thinks That we might get on
With school, with work, with these people. What's my purpose in life? Really. I can't see any clear answer. I had the urge to drive my car right into traffic today, just to see what would happen. Of course, I never would. Besides, I don't act on impulse. I have to overthink and analyze every detail of everything.
And yeah, truth is I'm really freakin' attracted to you, and I could have told you that when I had the chance but I never would because I'm afraid to get hurt. Because I know I'm going to get hurt.
She's right, I don't "put myself out there" because I have an irrational fear of rejection.
We aren't a match anyway. I probably just like the idea of liking you.
And yes, I did resort to yahoo answers to get an opinion on the situation.
I'm. Such. A. Loser.
I NEED TO MAN THE HELL UP OR I'M GOING TO JUST BE FOREVER ALONE FOREVER.
Everything is terrible, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so anxious and overwhelmed and I never have a SECOND TO MYSELF TO BREATHE. Something is always right around the corner to stress me out even more.
Stress is all I know anymore. Stress and uncertainty. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack at any moment.
The only thing holding together is... I don't even know, actually. I can't believe I haven't had a total melt down by now. I have so much pent up aggression and anxiety and anger and disappointment.
I felt like destroying something beautiful.
Fight Club. I still haven't watched it since last time I got the random urge to.
Work was total crap today. I had a headache and everyone was down my throat and I was in a bad mood, and apparently people have been talking about me.
WHY. These people are GROWN men and women. Why do they have to act like they're in high school? Really. Pisses. Me. Off.
And I feel like I've been lied to and manipulated by certain people lately, and I HATE THAT FEELING. Really, if you ever want to make me incredibly angry at you, lie to my face.
I'm just so angry.
I want to get away from this place and these people and these mixed up feelings.
And I need to stop over thinking things that DON'T MATTER.
I DON'T MATTER.
If the timing is right
Then I'll turn back the clock And as the minutes count down I'll put my trust in this world Cause this world can't trust in me I'm holding on I just can't believe that All hope is gone I'm such a wreck without it now If it's your turn to live Then it's my turn to give it up And you bring the heart Then I'll bring the beat I'm afraid to be Just an example of inconsistency I feel like I'm jaded I've given it all I have to give Burnt out, frustrated I feel like I'm an enemy of the world
It's so weird, I'm so good at reading people when they interact with each other, but it's really hard for me to tell where I stand with someone. I just want to know what people think of me really think of me. I want to know what people are thinking and what they would think if they knew what I was thinking about them. Of course I would never say out loud half of the things that cross my mind.
And the way you act toward me just confuses me. Not even really that, but I don't understand why you play like that, it comes so far out of left field and it just messes with me, even though I KNOW you don't mean it like that (who would?), plus I'm too old I guess, but I'm just the type of person who just lets their imagination get the best of them and I don't think with my head, but with my heart. So please, dear, don't mess with me like that, because you're only going to mess me up.
I guess I'm just not used to getting attention, so when you show me even the slightest bit, I get carried away.
I guess we've always had a weird relationship anyway.
I guess I'll just stop thinking about it so it doesn't turn into a bigger deal than it really is.
More and more I feel like my size is what is holding me back in life. It plays a part in EVERYTHING, I swear. Even the littlest things. And even more so lately, since I've hit a plateau in my weight loss or whatever you want to call it. I was doing so well, then I just suddenly lost motivation and getting it back has been hell. I just need to suck it up and go to the gym every day. My excuses have gotten the best of me, but I just need to make time.
But I just wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn't been overweight my whole life. Like, the above situation would probably be completely different because I wouldn't have the idea engrained in my mind that I'm not good enough for anyone because of my size.
Some people say it's not your size that matters, but it's your confidence. That's a load. Seriously, people who say that are just trying to be politically correct.
I mean sure, my confidence is pretty much shot, but even if it wasn't I wouldn't be any more attractive or successful or whatever. It's all about the way you look. It's all about first impressions and public image.
And all I wanted was to buy your stupid tank top, but it only comes in sizes small and extra small.
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.
All I know is that you're so nice You're the nicest thing I've seen I wish that we could give it a go See if we could be something I wish I was your favourite girl I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world I wish I was your favourite smile I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style I wish you couldn't figure me out But you'd always wanna know what I was about I wish you'd hold my hand When I was upset I wish you'd never forget The look on my face when we first met I wish you had a favorite beauty spot That you loved secretly 'Cause it was on a hidden bit That nobody else could see Basically, I wish that you loved me I wish that you needed me I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, Actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake I wish that without me you couldn't eat I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.
These past couple of days have been absolutely terrible in almost every way possible.
And to top it all off; The Icing-On-The-Cake, I got a speeding ticket today. I was just distracted and nervous and I didn't realize how fast I was going and next thing I know there are red and blue flashing lights in my rearview mirror. I have the option to take an online safety course and I'm definitely going to do that instead, but still it's points on my license and my parents are going to FREAK OUT on me, and my insurance is going to go up. I'm so ridiculously frustrated right now.
Otherwise today would have been great. I got to spend time with both of my best friends, and then some, but after that happened I was just so sad for the majority of the day thinking about how my parents would react.
Then we went to go see Julian's school play and I gradually got over it. I absolutely love that boy to pieces. And those pieces to pieces, and so on. It was really cute, and me and Skye and Annabelle made silly faces at each other, and Julian was wearing full makeup, and when he tried to wash it off it just looked even worse, and I saw a few people that I don't normally see and it was a nice time.
It's weird. There are some people who I'm not really attracted to, but when I'm around them I feel like I just gravitate toward them and I have to consciously not be around them constantly because I don't want to be super creepy.
I just really want to watch fight club with someone right now.
Not alone though, I hate watching movies alone. It makes me feel lonely and sad. I just want to lay on a couch with someone in a dark room and watch fight club and pretend that nothing else exists.