Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The distance between our feet and the earth was the only thing never to change.

Why are we all so sad? It must be something in the Lake County water. Or maybe it's just a part of growing up. Both of my siblings and a couple of my closest friends have started writing blogs, and I'm just overcome by how depressed everyone really seems to be deep down. We all put on such happy faces when we're together, but I guess I forget that everyone has a story. I'm not the only one.
Today was a train wreck. Everything is going wrong for everyone. Backstabbing and hurt feelings and mixed emotions and gossip. Of course, I wasn't the subject of most of this, really. I rarely am. But it's not to say that I'm not affected.
It hurts me to see my friends hurting each other. It frustrates me to see men picking on boys, and to watch girls try to break away from people that they don't want to hurt. I'm watching the people I love get hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Especially you. If you're reading this, I just want you to stay strong. I know that this is horrible and overwhelming, but I admire you so much and I just pray that everything is going to work out.

I keep reading things on facebook about the graduating high schoolers getting accepted to college and whatnot. It just makes me angry. I'm stuck in this hellish town, living at home, and these kids are going to be living the life that I want to live. I want a real college experience, and right now it's like I'm in the 13th grade. I hate going to classes. I hate being around the people there. Just being there makes me feel like a failure. It's the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs, and it's exactly where I ended up.
At this rate, I'm going to amount to nothing.
I am nothing.
Someone posted a link to Virginia Commonwealth University, the college that I got accepted to but couldn't go to because my family won't pay for my education. It just makes me feel sick.
I want to be someone, but I can't find the motivation or courage to go for it. I have so many dreams, and I know the life I want to live but I can't find a solid path to get there.
I don't want to settle for less.
I think I'm going to look into cinematography again. I think I'd be good at it, and I could still do photography since they sort of go hand in hand. Besides, I'd like to make movies. Or help make them at least. To make people see what I see, feel what I feel.
But then again, maybe not.
I just don't know. I mean, I know I have an eye for composition, I have an appreciation for fashion, I have a watered-down imagination, I'm slightly above average in the creativity department, I'm fairly well spoken, I'm not tune deaf, and I have a knack for reading people, especially when it comes to relationships. Those are my only real talents and positive traits and there isn't much that I can do with them.
Sometimes I just wish that God could reveal his plan to me just for a split second. Let me just see where I'm going to be ten years down the road so maybe I can figure out where to go from here. That and so I could be assured that I won't be a total failure.

No comments:

Post a Comment