For the same reasons, basically. They just resurface at random times, and ruin my days.
Destructive thoughts.
Over thinking.
I'm unstable.
After I left everyone tonight, I drove around in my car for thirty minutes, crying. Again.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm really bad at pretending to be happy. I can't fake it. It's not like I'm looking for attention really, I just can't do it.
And Kyle asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it and I said no because I knew if I talked to anyone for more than a couple of minutes I would probably start crying.
So I left.
It's just the same things. I'm alone. And lonely. I'm not anyones' priority. There is no one for me to cling to when I'm upset or feeling down. No one to make me feel better. Everyone has someone else. And I'm on my own. And I'm not worth anyone elses' time anyway.
And okay.
Yeah.
I'm not exactly the most sought after (or sought after at all) girl in the world, but I still have stupid girl feelings and I can't help it.
And yes I think you're really cute and really really funny and wonderful and you hardly pay any attention to me so obviously you don't feel the same way but I really like it when you put your arm around me even if it is just playing around, and I really don't care how creepy that is at all because it's true.
But of course it's nothing.
Because I'm not worth anything.
Oh and it really makes me feel a lot better when I'm talking with someone who I thought was one of my prettty good friends at least at one point about something SERIOUS that I STRUGGLE with more than anything. Something that I'm probably going to end up going back to soon at this rate and I don't even care right now. And their phone rings. And it's her. And it's more important than anything in the world.
I'M JUST SO SICK OF THESE COUPLES.
They just remind me of how alone I am.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
I just don't want to be alone.
Yeah, you'll never be alone. Whatever. I'm sorry I ever bothered you with my problems. And my friendship. I'll leave you alone so you two can have a fun time being fickle together, I don't care. No, really, I don't. I just assumed that my friendship was worth more. Like those times when you guys broke up that we'd talk. Whatever. I don't care. I mean I don't expect to be that important to you, but maybe a little bit more than that.
But then again I just probably overreacted because of this mood.
And you, could you just stop touching eachother for a second. I just don't need to be reminded every moment that I'm around you about how alone I am. I know you're happy together. And I'm happy for you. And I love you both. But it makes me so uncomfortable. And sad.
Third Wheel.
Fifth Wheel.
Seventh Wheel.
Always.
And then YOU. You make me smile more than most people ever have. But I don't feel like I'm good enough to be your friend. I'm not clever or funny like you. I'm boring. And old. And depressed. But I don't want to lose your friendship because it's one of the only things that I care about anymore. And you say that the future freaks you out and you're down and all of this but you shouldn't be because you are such a wonderful person, and whenever you DO decide what you're going to do with your life, you're going to be amazing at it.
And just hugging me and saying "I love you", thanks for that. I needed it. And I still need it. And my life needs you in it. So please don't get bored with my friendship because I don't know what I'd do.
And lastly, you. Are the only person who has stayed with me all of these years. And you are wonderful and beautiful and I don't think you know how much I've envied you over the years. I love you, and you deserve more. Fuck everyone else. Thank you for being there for me.
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