Sunday, March 27, 2011

You're my home and I'm your home, but I'm not place you'd want to be.

I'm just going through the motions. Of being a friend, a christian, a whatever. I don't feel anything anymore. Okay, that's an over exaggeration. I don't feel strongly anymore. About anything. I'm not convicted. I'm not on fire for anything or anyone. I don't have a cause or an ambition or a dream. I feel empty, I don't know what it was that kept me going for so long.
A year ago I didn't think I'd be where I am. A year ago I had hope. I didn't think I'd be still living at home, working a part time job and going to college in Leesburg with a bunch of high school burn outs and middle aged weirdos. I'm not even doing that well in school. It's easy, but I don't try anymore.
I'm not really good at anything. There is not a single skill that I excel at more than anything. I'm OKAY at most things, but I'm not great at anything. A lot of people feel like they're being pulled in a bunch of different directions at the same time; I don't feel like I'm being pulled in any.
I can't even think straight anymore. When I'm alone I'm depressed and unmotivated, and when I'm not alone I'm distracted.
I'm not living for anything, sometimes I wonder why I'm living at all.
Most of the people in my life have either left or changed or "have better things to do". I'm not close with my family at all. I know it's mostly my fault, and it breaks my heart. Friends who I thought I'd stay close with have fallen out of touch, and the ones who haven't have better people in their lives.
Everyone has someone, and I have no one.
I'm nobody's everything, even my best friends have higher priorities. And I don't blame them. I guess I just have no priorities.
I can't feel God anymore. Almost ever. I feel cold and alone and hopeless all the time, when I used to be happy almost always. Even when I was sad, it wasn't like this. When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air. When I read my bible, the words never stay with me for more than a moment. The only ONLY time I feel okay is when I'm singing. When I'm praising God and singing with everything I have. When I feel it in my heart, when I sing every word with sincerity and meaning. When I'm singing at the top of my lungs, and I'm not even on key half the time but that's okay because I'm not trying to impress anyone around me. It doesn't happen that often anymore. It's been a few weeks. I need to pursue a relationship with God again; I need to be saved again. I don't know what's stopping me. Maybe it's doubt or lack of motivation.
I'm just afraid if I keep going on like this, there won't be anything left to save.

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