I just want to lock myself up in my house and paint forever.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I am an idiot. A stupid stupid girl. I set myself up for failure and rejection and ugh I just hate it.
I hate people knowing my feelings. I hate you knowing every single thought that went through my head, and I don't know a single one of yours.
Why do I do stuff like this.
It's not even a big deal, I know that. I KNOW that. But you probably don't understand, this is a big thing for me. Until really really recently I almost NEVER opened up to anyone about anything. And I certainly never told anyone how I felt about them ever.
Literally, since the ninth grade, okay.
And I don't even remember half of those text messages, and I made myself look like a total idiot and now I can't act normal because I'm a total freaking spaz and I can't freaking help my feelings and I know I know I KNOW you aren't going to hold it against me or act weird or whatever but this is so strange to me, and I just over think things constantly and I'm so stupid.
And I feel like I can't talk to you the same because you're going to think I'm coming on to you but I'm not really, because I don't DO that. I'm not that forward ever, I promise.
And also "why didn't you ever tell me"? Why should I have ever told you, really? Because I know that I act like this and I know the feeling isn't mutual and rejection drives me crazy. It wouldn't have changed anything just like it hasn't changed anything now, and I'm just a stupid stupid stupid girl and I really honestly wish I was a boy sometimes. Like, really, my life would be so much easier on so many levels.
I really hate myself sometimes.