Alone.

I feel completely and utterly alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm alone.
I'm reading all of these old blog posts, and I really really miss those days. Even though I sounded like I was always complaining about something, it was the happiest time in my life. Now I'm just miserable and desperate and alone. I was silly and childish about everything, and it was okay because I was a child.
Now I'm grown up and my whole world has crumbled. I put on a happy face, and sure, when I'm with my friends I am happy. But I'm not carefree and optimistic like I used to be. Now I'm just going through the motions because it's what I have to do, and if I didn't I'd just be a sad, worthless being. I don't even know what's holding me together.
My faith is failing more and more. I keep falling into the same patterns. The same bad habits. The same painful cycle. I know He's out there, but sometimes He feels so far away. Of course, temptation comes at the worst times, when I'm in a rut or feeling terrible about myself, or when I'm depressed or lonely or bored. And I give in every single time. I haven't said no in months. Sure I don't do it very often, but I probably would if I could. I feel like a hypocrite, and I am. I just want to go back to the way I used to be. Full of hope and ambition and love. I loved everything then, and now I'm so bitter and full of hate. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I hate what I see. Inside and out.
I'm desperate to be loved. By someone. I'm nineteen years old and I've never experienced love. I don't know how it feels to be held. I don't know what it's like to wake up to cute text messages and fall asleep on the phone. I don't know what it's like to cuddle or even hold someone's hand. I've never been given a goodnight kiss, or any kind of kiss at all. I've never felt attractive or wanted. Literally. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I've missed out on every significant teenage experience. If I have kids, I won't be able to tell them about my high school romances, or how my parents reacted when I brought a boy home, or my prom dates. Because none of that happened for me. It happened for everyone else, but not for me. I'm just anxious. But the thing is, I'm not desperate for just anyone. I won't settle for anyone who doesn't meet my out-of-my-league-standards. I mean, I don't want to waste my time or regret anything. But at the same time I just want something to happen. I just want someone. I want someone who I can just be with and touch and be with. But I don't feel like it's going to happen for me any time soon. No one is going to show up out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet. I live in Leesburg, I'm going to community college where you don't meet anyone worth meeting. I'm just taking up space and going through each day until I figure out what I want to do with myself. I feel like a failure. Like my life is only beginning and I've already gone and messed it up. I wonder what my life would be like if I HAD taken out those student loans and gone to university in Virginia. My entire universe wold be completely different. I would be a completely different person. I bet I would be a better version of myself. My relationship with my parents would be better, and I would have met a ton of new people and I would have friends my own age and I would be happy.
But I'll never know, and it doesn't even matter now. Nothing matters now.