Goodnight Summer.

This has been the most amazing summer of my life. I made a ton of new friends, got closer with old friends, and got closer to God. Between after youth sleepovers, two camps, movie nights, ice cream days, beach days, going to the movies with stevi, Scars for Stories concerts, middle school youth events, other random fun days, and a few lazy days to recoup, there was hardly a dull moment. I got to know a lot of amazing people alot better, like Lindsey Lyall, the Adkins, Hannah Bear, and Dustin Schlosser; I got to reconnect with Sherilyn Hunter and Julie Wright; and even though we had a couple of rough patches, I love my best friend more than ever! My church fell apart, but a new one is "rising from its ashes", and even though we don't have youth group right now, we are trying our hardest to keep hanging out, and to stay a close knit group of God loving people, so that when the new Youth Group gets up and going we can be stronger than ever! I took up guitar again this summer, rediscovered my love of singing, and painted what I think is some of my best work so far! I've been blessed in too many ways to count this summer, and I have a feeling that this school year is going to be just as good, no matter how anxious and scared I am of growing up.

.

nah.

well did you know that I like horses.....

I feel like DEATH. I'm not even exaggerating. I can't remember feeling this bad in a long time, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. One minute I'll be fine, the next I'll be coughing up a lung.

Haha today was the first day of school for the First Academy kids, so Hannah Jordan and I baked them cupcakes and brought them to them :) it was really funnnn. Then we hung out untillll we picked up skye from school, then me and skye stalked the First Academy Football Practice. It was such a fun day :D even though I was feeling pretty crappy for most of it....

I feel really underhanded and backstabbish for liking the same guy as one of my friends. Pahah oh well nothing I can do about it. Not like it'll happen anyway ;) one of the plus sides to being unappealing.....................

Please, don't.

Ugh you say things like "you look cute" and I lol and you reply "you think I'm kidding?" and it makes it harder for me to not like you. When you kid around and say things like "I don't want a relationship right now, but I want one with you", or you say things along the lines of "we were made for eachother", or you grab my hand and say some cheesy pickup line, I can't stop my imagination running away with it and twisting it into something that isn't there. It's not like you're leading me on or anything, I know that it's basically never going to happen, and I know when you're kidding, but I let my heart get the best of me sometimes, I'm sorry.
You know, I usually hate when people fish for compliments, but when you do it, it's kind of cute/sad.
You give me attention and I love it. But I hate it at the same time because I feel like I'm an AW around you.
I really hope you never find yourself reading this, because you'll probably know it's you and I'll get embarrassed because of my girly feelings that I can help, and I really really really don't want you to change the way you act around me, that would be terrible!!!

how could you be so heartlessssssss

Today was strange. Good strange, but strange. I don't even know how to explain.
It was all not strange, untilllll Nick had to go and say something that I didn't understand, that came waaaay out of left field, and my overreactive imagination just went to work on it. Then Erin wasn't helping with all of her "what if"s. Then Dustin with is "AA operation" nonsense. I just act stupid to it so I don't have to deal with it. I mean, I feel butterflies, but I don't know how to deal with them.
I just don't want to get my hopes up for them to just come crashing down.
I'm sorry, I write all cryptic-like just in case.

Stupid.

I absolutely disgust myself sometimes. I feel like the most hideous person in the world sometimes. I don't understand why I can't just stick with it, why I can't go to the gym constantly enough to work, and why every time I'm bored I feel like heading for the kitchen. I feel like my life would be a thousand times better if I was just about fifty pounds lighter. At least. I wish it wasn't twelve at night, I'd drive to the gym and run a million miles. Why can't I be motivated when I need to be? Why the heck couldn't I have been born with some super fast metabolism or something. Or even a regular speed one.
Sometimes I hate that every single one of my friends is freakin' gorgeous. It really does a number on my self esteem.
I feel like a complainy little emo annoying girl. But I can't really help it. I feel awful.
I wish it was winter, then I could go jogging and whatnot arround my neighborhood.

I'm really really starting to like this kid and it's making me feel retarded, because I'm not good enough for him, and I never will beee. But he's so nicee and funnyyy and sillyyy and outgoinngggg and we have so much in common and he's freakin' adorable and he has amazing taste in musicccc, and he gives me a lot of attention, and I LOVE ATTENTION, which he gives most people alot of attention, but it does't change the fact that it feels nice. These qualities are probably why prettier girls like him, and why this will never ever happen.
Ugly girls can't have feelings for people. It's just not right.

come with us now on a journey through time and space

So I'm lost again on what I want to be when I "grow up". I don't have a lot of time to decide or anything, college applications are going to come and go super fast. I'm rethinking art school serioulsy. I wish I could go away to London for art school. It would be nice, I'd be right at the Tate, and I know some really cool galleries around there. I wish. If only I had really ridiculously rich parents... or grandparents. Or rich anything. I don't know. I do know that I started painting for my AP portfolio (FINALLY) today. I started painting an eye, and I'm pretty happy with it, but the rest of the face is pretty rough at the moment.
I'm just mostly afraid I don't have what it takes. I'm not some crazy druggie who has visions that they can translate onto paper, and I'm not some insane realist who can draw as good as a photo. I'm just floating around somewhere in the middle. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want some mundane life, I want an exciting life, like idk, art shows in bakeries and nonsense. I just don't know about myself anymore.

The Great Divide and my newfound love....

Mario is leaving the church :/ it was made official about a week ago, and tonight is his last youth. He's staying in central florida, and part of me wants to follow him, but part of me wants to remain faithful to the church, and not let what Mario helped us build just die. I'm just torn. Plus, the church is in financial trouble as it is, and seriously needs some help.... Mario is announcing it to the Youth tonight.... I think I might cry D:

But, on the happy side, I have a newfound love for Noel Fielding <3>

I relly don't have my life together haha.

falling apart.

yeah, it is. I wish I could give details, but I'm not allowed. Not like anyone reads this, but just in case.

I have not been this upset in a long long long time.

On Conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be estalished by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector"
Matthew 18:15-17

I've got step one down, but it's not working. What do I do now?

madness?

Today was a pretty good day I'd say. Ice cream was pretty fun, we ended up going to Twistee Treat, and we got really lucky because it was raining like a boss, but by the time we got there, it had all cleared up. Erin told me that Kyle was trying to guess who I liked, and his first guess was Seth. I loled so hard at that. I mean really? Seth? Sorry, wrong. Anddd movie night was great as well!!! Everyone seemed to like the snickerdoodles, and we made a bunch of popcorn. We watched the Princess Bride for the girly movie, and 300 for the manly one. I'm not going to lie, I quite liked 300 more than I thought I would. I don't know why, but this weeks movie night went so much better than last week. Oh wait, I do know why.......... paha

I hate this though, it's really frustrating. How come when other people are having problems, I know exactly how they should fix them, but when I am having them, I don't even know the right words to say.

Three Things

Three things that would make my life pretty much perfect right now, in no particular order.

1) For me and Zack to get along, for him to become a christian, and stop cursing all the time.

2) A man, not completely neccessary, but I'm a teenage girl, I'll always want that ;)

3) To repair our friendship, yeah, I'd like that alot.......


Other than that, my life is fantastic. I had my first lazy day in seriously like two weeks, and it was glorious. All I did was myspace, watch TV, and bake cookies! Although, my cookie baking escapade was not as great as it could have been. My first batch of sugar cookies turned out DISGUSTING, seriously, I couldn't even eat them and threw them away. Then I decided to make snickerdoodles instead and they are heavenly ;) okay maybe not that good but stilllll, delicious! Oh, and of course Austin Adkins had to walk into my house when I looked like a homeless person. No makeup, pajamas, covered in cookie batter, not even wearing a bra, fml.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL SO FREAKING STUPID RIGHT NOW.
Stop it, right now!

Things that made me happy today.

Scars for Stories using my pictures as their myspace default/band member pictures.
The fact that my pictures got their own albums on the Scars for Stories myspace.
Nana asking me if I lost weight lately.
Dustin saying "FOUR DOLLAHZ, CRISP" all the time.
Dustin buying an oatmeal colored V-neck
Erin helping me wash/clean my car.
Shopping with Erin and Dustin.
The guy at the walgreens photo department beeing so cool about me using change to pay.

Things that didn't make me happy today:
Seeing Dustin's nether-region breifly.
The creepy sticky substance in my glove compartment.

So, overall, I'd say that it was a pretty good day :)
Tomorrow I need to: clean my room, wash the windows, and DO FOUR FLVS ASSIGNMENTS, UGH!

Every thought in thought of you.

No one here to believe but You
Everyone else is bound to leave but You
When they swear their love is real
They mean "I like the way you make me feel"
No one here to believe but You
There's no one here to believe than You

I hate having feelings for someone, because when they have feelings for someone else, you just get hurt. I just need to face the fact that guys don't like girls like me. I think it's impossible. I'm just not pretty, nice, funny, charming, or cute enough. I really freaking hate myself sometimes.

But that shouldn't be the focus of my life, God should be. And I'm working on it. I'm getting better, I think. I have slacked on reading my Bible lately though...

Another Scars for Stories show last night :) I'm so proud of them, they always do so well! I took some pictures last night, I just need to go drop the film off at walgreens on my way to the gym....

mmm

I feel so tired. I've been busy for seriously the last week straight, with no relaxing days in between. It's fun, but hectic, and tomorrow is going to be no exception!
Hmmmm, it's silly but I seem to be developing a crush on a certain someone ;) not like anything will come of it, nothing ever does. Sheri and Erin and Skye know, and I swear if it got out I'd kill them.
Aparently some bs went down in tampa while josh was gone, so according to dustin, josh said "he might be back sooner than he thought" works for us, sucks for him.
I'm pretty excited to have a girly movie fest tomorrow! The whole thing came about because of Dustin's desire to see The Notebook, haha what a girl. Now I just have to figure out how to seat nine people in my living room... tricky :)

Sad Day

Josh is gone D: I don't know how, but in the one week he was here, we all got so attatched to him! I mean, he only lives in tampa, an hour away, but still, it's not like we can see him every day like the past four days or so. My van feels empty without him :(

Haha, we saw My Sister's Keeper today, though. Seriously, the saddest movie I've seen since P.S. I love you. Dustin cried like a lil' baby and I love it!!!

sketchball

I love how since I have no drama of my own, other peoples problems transform into mine. It's a horrible problem, too. I don't know what side I should be on.
This week has been exceptionally good, all things aside. I don't know, I guess because I was busy most of the time because people actually invited me to do stuff haha.
After youth last night, a bunch of people came and hung out at skye's barn, and it was so amazingly fun. Then, the boys had to leave and it was just Me, Skye, Sheri, and Erin, and we had a sleepover. It was fantastic :) so much girly talk, I didn't know what to do with it. Plus, I love all of them so much, and they're all so fun/funny. We can have such a great time just talking and eating oatmeal :) It was a great day, even after the drama came and whatnot. I just hate to see people upset, especially when I can't do anything to help.
This is a really scatterbrained blog entry.... or at least I feel like it.
Ugh, why does that sketchball have to be so charming, she can't help but fall for that!!!!
I don't knoooooooooow. I don't want to give out the wrong advice
BAH! Now I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to do any flvs geometry work. But I have to do one more today so I don't get kicked out.
Summer is slipping by so fast, it's scary. I don't want to be a senior, I don't want to graduate, I don't want to be on my own. I don't even know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Well, it's not set in stone at least.
Hmmmm I hope that tidbit of info stays secret....
By the way, if you actually read all of this, you're my hero :D

my 4th, in a nut shell.

For the first time that I can remember, a guy called me pretty. Not "you look pretty", not "your eyes are so pretty", not some sort of awkward mandatory compliment, not as an online picture comment. But actually looking me straight in the face and saying "mary, you're pretty". I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal to you probably, but it is for me. I think everyone needs to hear that once in a while.

So anyway, today was freaking amazingggg. We all went to kyles (Me, Heather, Erin, My LIL BRO, Cliff, Bobby, Dustin even though he lives there, this kid Mike, and Kyle's BFF Josh from Tampa), even though he had to work (LAME), and went swimming, and then we headed over to venitian gardens early to watch the fireworks. It took us forever to find a spot, and we finally found a place near the water and laid down my tiger blanket and some sheets. Seth, Julie, Liz, MK, and Austin came to visit us from the baseball feild, and it was a good time. Then they left, and we all played some volleyball (badly). Theeeeen it was time for fireworks, and we didn't know where they were going to go off, and they just started going off like right above us. We seriously had the best spot ever. The fireworks were wonderful, and lasted a lonnnnng time. And then we went to go back to Kyles, got STUCK IN TRAFIC, UGH. Josh found my Now 4 cd in the back seat, and that pretty much saved us, because my music selection SUCKS for large ammounts of people (Jack Johnson and Bob Dylan can only get you so far). Thennnn we went swimming some more, Kyle joined us this time since he was off work FINALLY. And we went to Denny's at 3:30 in the morning, and Erin bought me pancake puppies because she is the BEST, and we saw LASHAWNDA there, but she didn't remember Erin oh nooo.

I love my friends, they are the best people in the whole world :) even little Zacky is getting better. Even though every FREAKING WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS THE F WORD. Geeze, work on the vocab Zack (AND Dustin AND Josh).

All in all, it was probably the best 4th of july I can ever remember having. I love my life :)

Worry Wart

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

I've been pretty much trying to live by that the past couple of weeks. It helps, it really does, but I still can't help my consistant worrying. What does she think of me? What does he think of me? Was that a jerky thing to say? Why did I do that, I'm so stupid. What am I going to be? What if this happens and this happens and this happens?
I really need to slow down sometimes. I think alot of my problem though is that whenever I do or say something stupid, or if someone says something against me, or if I hear through the grapevine that she said this this and this, I hold onto those things and dwell on them. It takes a lot for me to let something go. People used to think that I simply didn't care. That I didn't mind what they thought of me, or what they said about me, but that is pretty much the opposite. I just need to let it go. I guess I wouldn't have the problem in the first place if I was just more godly and didn't do things that people could talk about badly :P. haha, I'm working on it. Salt and Light, thats what I want to be :)

Things I need to do: Finish GEOMETRY online, and start on my AP art stuff. I'm just so lazyyyyy

I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about girly things. I mean, I know that theres people who would listen, but i'm not so sure they'd CARE. oh well, thats what journals are for. I'm going to go write in mine right now :)

I am the worlds worst matchmaker

I wish I had crazy magical powers so that I could give people change-of-hearts sometimes, and I could make people fall in love all willy nilly. Kind of like some intense modern day cupid. If I had those powers, I know exactly what I would do.
I would make him break up with her so she would date him, and that would make him get over her, so she and he could date, then I would make her realize how much she likes him, then she and he could date again, and then he would finally realize that she is the greatest woman in the world and they would date, and then he would date her, because they would be the best couple ever. And then she, oh she would break things off with him and him for good, and then he would break up with her and then he and she could go out again. And of course then he and she could date, causing heartbreak to him, but he saw it coming anyway and then she and he could get together, and it would all be happily ever after. And, it really would be happily ever after because I would plant some magical seed in all of their minds so that when they all inevitabley broke up, they would know that it was OKAY because this is just high school, and they have the rest of their lives to find someone perfect for them.
But I am the worlds worst matchmaker, and these things will never happen.

What do you do when....

What do you do when you really really want some diet pepsi, and you go to the kitchen only to find an empty bottle on the counter?
What do you do when no matter how many times you repaint them, your nails always look like freaking crap?
What do you do when you're so bored at home that you eat everything in the kitchen and an hour at the gym isn't even going to help and you know it?
What do you do when you swear you remember packing your cell phone charger back up before you left, and it's nowhere to be found?
What do you do when you're paranoid about skin cancer but get too much sun no matter how much sunscreen you wear?
What do you do when you want to punch yourself in the face every time you look in a mirror?
What do you do when you have a feeling that your best friend is repulsed by you?
What do you do when you know things that someone said bad about you and they don't know you know and you can't act differently arround them, but you're really hurt?
What do you do when your brother acts completely different arround the girl he likes?
What do you do when your summer consists of nothingness because you don't feel like you have enough friends?
What do you do when you've liked the same guy for ever, and he's head over heels for some girl you will never even compare with?
What do you do when your life is so bland that you become consumed with everyone elses' interpersonal relationships?
What do you do when the feeling fades and you're left uncertain again?
What do you do when you think you know what you want to do for the rest of your life, but aren't sure how to go about it?
What do you do if you're worried to death that what you want to do for the rest of your life isn't what you're supposed to be doing?
What do you do when you can't think of anything else to do?

I suppose you simply pray about it.

Things I wanted to be when I grew up/Other Things

I give you a list of every career I have ever wanted, from the time I can remember, not including the two that I am currently considering:

1. Balerina - Okay, what girl DIDN'T want to be a balerina when they grew up. Too bad I never took dance lessons...

2. Veternarian - I mean, this was a no brainer: I LOVE animals, so I would LOVE to make them better, right? Yeah, I thought this was my dream job... until I learned that you have to put some animals down... ouch.

3. Comic book artist - oh yeah, I loveeeed to draw cartoons. But, you know, it turns out that I wasn't exactly good at writing scripts for comics.... so, I crossed that one off the list

4. Fashion Designer - Even though I can't dress myself well, I sure can dress other people. But, unfortunately, I never learned to sew, and all of my designs got to be the same after awhile.

5. Broadway Actress - I'm not going to lie, as far as Musical Theatre goes, I'm not too shabby. Except that overweight girls never get cast for leading roles... oh well.

6. Cake Decorator - Yeah, I was basically in love with food network challenges for awhile. My dreams were crushed, however, when I failed to assemble a simple layer cake made from boxed cake mix.

7. Photographer - Um... overdone. Plus, I kind of lost my touch.

Obviously, I have never been very practical. I guess I was doomed to be a homeless person. Agh.


Anyway, That air freshener I bought was kind of a disappointment, and is way too strong for my taste. Oh well, I'm giving it another week to see if it grows on me. Also, I have rediscovered my love for tea of all kinds: Green Tea, Red Tea, Chai Tea, White Tea, all sorts of teas! my home has such a selection too! Seriously, I think we have at least ten different kinds of tea bags... it's so wonderful, so much to choose from! just slip a little packet of splenda in there, and you're good to go! well, usually, just not in green tea, because that tastes sketchy. Oh, and we have this chocolate caramel chai tea, it is freaking AMAZING. Seriously, I probably had like three glasses today!!! Yeah, I pretty much did nothing today except watch reruns of crappy TV, and drink tea. And I played a little guitar.... and when my brother and the Atkins dropped by, Austin reminded me that I said I would make him a super cool bracelet. Sooo, I started to do that, but I can't figure out a good color combonation for him... the two I started are wrong: one looks to girly, and the other accidentally turned out to be rainbow colors. haha, oh welll, I'll do it tomorrow!!! Yeah, and I just realized that there is noooo sunday school tomorrow D: guess I'm having OATMEAL for breakfast

The smell from HADES/Career choices.

O how I hate you, Mildew. For the past week or so, my car has REEKED to high heavens. Seriously, it smelled like spoiled milk, rotting vomit, and decaying human carcass all in one. I have been wondering for a week what on earth that smell could be, and today my mom inspected my car and found the culprit: Something is leaking, and the two solid weeks of rain have been festering in the back of my car. Gross. In addition to being incredibly disgusting, the mildew also ruined two harry potter books (volume four and five), eclipse, and a comic book, while kindly leaving an old Latin text book in tact. Goooo figure. Oh well, I'm wet-dry vac-ing it tomorrow, and I bought a delicious "Paradise Fruit" flavored air wick car freshener to tide me over. But really, four dollars for an air freshener? It BETTER work, that's all I can say.

Soooo, I've been wavering on the subject of what I want to do for a living. I know I've always been a fReAkKkK about going to art school or doing SOMETHING artistic, but sometimes I just don't WANT to. You know? when you sit down to draw something, and nothing comes out. I don't know if I want to deal with all of that constant uncertainty. Oh, and I don't want to work as a waitress for the rest of my life either..... I've always thought that art was the only thing I could ever do. It's the only thing I've ever LIKED, and it's the only thing that I've really demonstrated a natural talent for (not to toot my own horn ;)). But you know, lately I've been thinking, and there is one other thing I could see myself doing. It seems a little odd, but I think that I might really like to go into youth ministry. You know, being a youth pastor.... like Mario. It really doesn't seem like a woman's job, but that was what Jenny was before she moved here, and I've researched it and found that there is actually a LOT of female youth pastors. But, also, the question is raised: am I holy enough? I mean, I freaking love Jesus with all of my heart, but I've done things I regret, you know? I love kids, and I LOVE being a middle school youth leader, I love to help people, I love to talk in front of groups, I love to listen to people, and I'm a hXc christian. So, I mean, what else do you need? I'm just really torn on the subject. I've written up multiple pro/con sheets, Art vs. Ministry, but I still don't want to make the wrong choice. I decided that my mission this summer is to do hardcore research, and figure out what course I want to take. I'm just so freaking lostttt. Eh, I'll keep praying about it :)

It has been awhile/I'm not usually up this late.

Hahaha, I just looked at the clock and it changed form 11:11 to 11:12. Shows you my luck.
I don't know why I decided I wanted to blog, but I havn't in sayyyy months, and I'm almost never up this late, especially on school nights.
I'm just over school. Both of my brothers are out, and I still have a week and a half to go. It's excruciating, dragging on and on and on. Counting down the days just makes it go slower. Like watching a pot of water boil.
We went to Chuck E Cheese today with Middle School Youth, which I recently became a member of (like a month ago). Alyssa and I were afraid they would think it was lame but they seemed to like it alot. At least I liked it alot. They even played a bad remake of a jonas brothers song sung in Chuck E's mousey voice, and I got so excited. I lost the trivia game three times and won once, out of good luck. I also played a holy-cow ammount of ski ball and me and seth played this lame game where you shoot peanuts at zoo creatures. It was a great time even though it was germy and the pizza was a little on the sketchy side, and the Chuck E Cheese in ocala is not NEARLY as huge as the one in altamont. Haha, I was surprised at how many people had never been to a Chuck E Cheese... what a horrible childhood they must have had.
Lately it also seems that people are more open to share their relationship issues/developments with me, which I find strange, but I kind of like it. I just wish that all of these people who like eachother would just go out already, ughhh, it's not that hard, creeps.
Oh, and I picked up guitar again recently... I learned to play "Crush" by David Archuleta, "Sleeper 1972" by Manchester Orchestra, "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, and select parts of "Pokerface", which because I have yet to master the "F" chord (F FOR FAIL), it is impossible to play for me exept the chorus. But I guess I'm cool with that.

Four.

Hah, I don't have much to talk about, but I don't have much else to do, so why not? 

It's been four weeks since I stopped washing my hair as of tomorrow. So far so good. I mean, the grease doesn't phase me. Even when I "washed" my hair, I'd go four or five days inbetween. I watched the greatest movie ever last night. The Bob Dylan movie, I'm Not There. Yeah, it was rediculous, and my dad didn't get it, so he gave up watching about ten minutes in, haha. I especially loved the whale eating little black Bob Dylan. And the music? Amazing. I mean, I've never really given that much thought to Bob Dylan, but most of his music is fantastic. Even other peoples' renditions of his songs were good. But I'm not going to lie, I looked at the track listing for the soundtrack and I don't understand one song at ALL. Ring them Bells by Sfujan Stevens? Yeah, I love that song, but I did not hear it once during that movie. Or maybe I did, and I was just too tired because it was wayyy past my bedtime.

I have the weirdest cat ever, he likes to lay on his back. It's really a strange sight.

Annnnd, I got my prom dressssss finally. My momma ordered it for me online! It's pretty simple, but I love itttt. It's long and black with white and rhinestones. Actually, it reminds me of my cat Shorty...

I love cats (:

radaradarada

I'm not going to lie, today kind of sucked.

Kind of is kind of an understatement.

I want the day to be overrr so it can be tomorrow and it can all be peachy keene.

a real post.

I am sore in places I shouldn't even be sore. I don't know why I'm sore, but it sucks. And hurts. Legs, arms, shoulders, and neck: all sore. I felt like my legs were going to snap off or something. I feel like death. Death. Death. Death. Bah. So yeah, I've been planning ahead for AP art next year, trying to decide on a concentration. I'm thinking something along the lines of phobias/paranoias, or some anatomy/medical stuff. Blah, I need to draw more. More. More. More. I'm not good enough, and I need practice. Because, you know, practice makes perfect ;). I just need to learn to take more time on things. Take it slow. Because right now, I'm like a speed painter, I swear. And I'm doing art school research. I need scholarships. Or. Else. Eh, It's all pretty stressful right now. Lack of moneyz, lack of talent.  Haha, okay, I admit I was kind of fishing for a compliment on that one ;). Not entirely.

BTW, I'm at the halfway mark for not washing my hair as of tomorrow, THREE WEEKS!!!!!!

Yayayay, me and austin are awesome (:

It's been awhile

Haha, my computer stopped working, and I'm wayyy too lazy to re-reformat it, so I havn't been posting.

Nothing of great interest has really happened. I still have not washed my hair.

Two weeks, six days.

I need to remember to write my job shadow thank you letter.

Speaking of, I had a great job shadow day with Jenny Stanley (:

I'm working on a new altered book about religion. It's pretty intense.

Not really, I just started it actually. I'll let you know how it turns out. 

I'm not really all that happy with it so far, actually. I might get a new book and re start it. Maybe.

Oh, and my camera is dead. Dead. Never to return.

I would probably try to make some money to get a new one, but guess who can't even get a freaking job? 

Plus, I still have to come up with like two hundred more dollars. Blah. 

So, that's all that's been up lately.

My tummy hurts ):

Oh, and I finished Ella Minnow Pea. It was wonderful, I would highly recomend it (:

):

Today was kind of crappy, for a sunday. Church and lunch were nice and all, but everything after that turned to dust. I did about two hours' worth of yard work, and my dad gave me ten dollars. Seriously. I made sure it was as absolutely as perfect as possible, and ten dollars. I'm never going to come up with the money. I mean, I haven't even asked my parents about Bigstuf, because it's so much money between that and the mission trip. I mean, honestly, they could probably come up with the money, but it's not like they'll just give it to me. Even if they did, I'd feel bad. It's really seriously stressing me out. And it's impossible to find a job. I just can't deal with it right now. And I don't know, I just feel kind of helpless and worthless and everything else that comes along with it. For that reason, and others I guess. I don't know, I just feel kind of seperated and detatched from everyone and everything. I'm not right. I'm not good enough at anything, and that's really what it boils down to. And it doesn't help that everyone has someone. Except for me. I feel pretty alone right now.

No mean to be a drama queen, I just feel awful

c'mon pidge.

There is no way I am going to finish the The Great Gatsby, so I've given up. I'm going to fail the test tomorrow, I know it. Okay, maybe not fail. The only thing that's going to save me is that I listen during class, thank god for that. I think I've got all of the important things down, I just need to rack my brain when we start the test. I'm amazingly tired today, and I just don't know why, really. Stevi, Erick, and I were at Barnes and Noble, and I seriously thought I was going to fall asleep a couple of times. Seriously.  BUT, I did get my book for Ms.

Cameron. I decided to ditch the whole Chuck Palahniuk idea all together. I love his books eternally, don't get me wrong, I just wanted to read something fresh. It's called Ella Minnow Pea, by Mark Dunn. I'll let you know if it's any good.

I hate losing things. I had lost my wallet, and it was really irritating me, and my mom was freaking out because I've been driving without my liscense. Not like I ever get pulled over. Oh wait, I do. 

Everyone at school thinks that not washing my hair is gross, but I don't really care. When have I ever really cared?

My super decreased sugar diet is going well still, four days in. It's like a record for me, seriously. It feels weird though, not being full of delicious sugars all the time. I feel kind of like my stomach is eating itsself, it feels awful, but kind of good at the same time.

Spray paint and other art stuff.

keep it steady now...

So, just for the record, I'm allowed to eat only one sugary food or drink per day, I think I forgot to mention that. Still going strong by the way, and day two of super fun Wellness Center Workout was a success.

Gahhh, I don't know why I'm so freaking cranky lately. Seriously, I pretty much snapped on Kara today. It's really just her that gets the heat, actually. She just provokes it, you know? Not like she means to, she's always like that, it's just her personality, and I'm fine with that, usually. But now is not usually, my nerves are thinner than ever, and the slightest things grate on my nerves. Me and Mary Cate were kidding about it, saying it's my lack of sugar; it's the sugar that makes me so sweet usually ;)

I made my first spraypaint print with my stencil in Ms. Padilla's class today. LOOKS FREAKING SWEET! I gotta remember to bring my camera tomorrow, to take some picturessss. 

I would have more things to say, but I don't know how personal these things should be, so I'll keep it to myself.

Oh, and I'm not washing my hair anymore. I hear that after the first month or two of greasy, your natural oils even out and you get beautiful soft hair, and it's less of a hassle, so I'm up for it. And don't you dare say that it's gross, because honestly, if you use shampoo and conditioner, all you're really doing is taking all the oils out and putting them back in. What a waste of moneyyyy, hahaha. 

Some Sketchbook fun and the usual.

So, I say how much I love art all the time, and how much I want to go to art school, and I realized that I have nothing to show for it. So, I decided it was time to force some of my stuff on you. However, I havn't completed a piece for a whilllle, so I settled for some sketches that I do in classes, namely american history. Haha. 

Some more:

They look alot better if you click on them ;)

andthe bottom is a bunch of semi blind contour drawings, in case you were wondering why that kid's head is so potato-chip-like, and why my hand looks like it has elephantitus.

So, all artistic vanity aside...

Today was aite, I guess. I'm getting really irritated at certain nameless people lately, and for no real reason. I'm just pretty irate in general right now, I guess. I failed my first American History test, so I guess I'd better stop drawing, and start listening a little bit. As if. I made my stencil for art class, and friday we get to SPRAY PAINTTTT. Yeah, I'm basically super excited. I said that I felt like a cool kid, but Ms. Padilla said I'm only a cool kid if I spray paint on walls D: how unfortunate. I went to the gymmmm today, and saw Heather and Zack there, and I loled. Usually theres just old people there. Gross. Also, day two of the sugar drought is going dandy (: I'm saving my one-sugar-a-day for girl's bible study tonight, and hopefully it will not be in vain. Whoo whoo, we get to choose our AMERICAN NOVEL for Cameroooon's class! I can't decide between Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk or I am Legend. Choices, choices.

I need a

job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job job.

because seriously, where am I supposed to come up with 600 or so dollars before summer? Nowhere. Because I don't have a job. No one seems to ever be hiring, and I don't have any sort of "inside connections". I'm pretty stressed over it, actually. I'd even be willing to handle meats, do you know how serious that is for me?

So far I have applied at: TJ maxx, Payless, CiCis, Kohls, and Cracker Barrel. 

That is not a very impressive list, and none of them look promising, but I just can't find anythinggggggggggg. Feel free to guide me with your splendid ideas and all, god knows i need it.

Oh, and news from the sugar front; Day one has gone without a hitch so far. I had my daily simple carb (pringlesssssss) on the way home from school, and my hand got stuck in the tube, and I almost ran into a car LOL. I will steer clear of that from now on... get it.... steer? oh lordy. Now I'm going to go have some riceeeeeeeeee yummmmm. No, seriously, yum (:

And I decided to start working out at the wellness center again, ahahah. I'm going to try to stick with it. Besides, I love doing those little stationary bikes, they give me time to play my NINTENDO DS! ahahah, cooking mama!!!!!!!!!

So seriously, if you know anywhere that's hiring, hit me up.

I digress.

just warning you ahead of time...

I like to post a lot of blogs, some more pointless than others. 

Youth was aright. There have been better nights, but there have been much, much worse. I'm so sick of all of the nonsense going on with all of these couples, could be couples, would be couples, etc. It just doesn't seem worth it to me, I wish everyone could just be happy for once, instead of being crazy jealous weirdos. Not like I can't be a crazy jealous weirdo at times, but it seems like every week theres a new drama or SOMETHING. Eh. Maybe I'm just a bit envious, because I NEVER have drama. My life is so chill, it's boring.  I just need a crazy Degrassi moment to slap me in the face every once in a while. That would be nice.

I guess I'm going to try to cut alot of the sugar out of my diet. My mom suggested it, but it's harder than it sounds. Theres sugar in everything. Everything. But I might as well give it a try, you know, it might work out for me. I just have to get some better WILL POWER. I don't know how it was so easy for me to give up meats, and it's tearin' up my heart to give up sugar. But then again, I'd take ice cream over a pot roast any day. 

Not like any of this really matters or anything.

I really want to find someone new to take to Youth group. It's been FOREVER since I've taken a friend. It's just, I don't want to offend anyone by saying they need jesus, and everyone else is always super busy with their lives. Church is becoming my life. GOD is becoming my life, and that's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Seriously, except for minor annoyances, and crappy dress shopping, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Look out, charlie. We're really high now.

The weekend was nice, and chilling with stevi is always fun, even though dress shopping was a bust. The only thing that fit me had a broken zipper, of course.  I can't help it, I cry when I get frustrated, I'm sorry. I wish I could have been born as someone else, I don't see how people can stand me sometimes, I swear. Bah, I'm just feeling pretty down on myself right now is all, I suppose. 

I just want it to be 6:00, time for youth. That will cheer me up, hopefuly. Maybe. 

I really should work on my self esteem. Ha.

experimenting with flash, and some pictures of cats.

A little while ago, I got super obsessed with Lomography, and, along with a few other things, bought a colorsplash flash. I never reay used it handheld, so I decided to play arround with it for a bit. Here were the results:

 

 

 

I also decided to go out and take a few macro shots of my cats. They came out alright, but it's not exactly my best work. Oh well, thats what I get from staying away from my camera for so longgggg. Here is the best one:

my feelings toward LHS "photographers".

I do not have a thousand dollars. I have never had a thousand dollars, because I do not have a job. If I did have a thousand dollars, I would probably not be allowed to buy a fancy new camera right on the spot. This does not make you better than me. My lack of funds and equipment forces me to use my 20 year old film camera, which I love. I take better pictures on film than you ever have on any fancy DSLR camera. Film is tricky; more tricky than I imagined at first; and you don't get to use photoshop, that would kill you, wouldn't it? I have not taken worthy photos in awhile, this is because I have become discouraged, but that's going to change. I will show up your fancy new DSLR camera with my 20 year old film camera, and my 300 dollar digital camera. You will see.