And Honestly.

I'm not all that bad. I mean, I've got my insecurities and things that aren't so great about me. And I'm a little bland at times, but when it comes down to it, I'm actually pretty alright.

So, I'm going to try to not worry about people who can't see that.

I'm going to try to stop wasting my time on people who can't look past my physique or my mild social awkwardness.

I'm just going to sit back and enjoy life because it's not worth it.

All this worrying and feeling self conscious and feeling like I'm not good enough.

I am good enough, and you're just not good enough to see that.

Hate on it.

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the
Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive

It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
Wow, we might actually survive.
I fell asleep with the light on
to keep the darkness around me
from trying to drown me.
But little did I know
that the light was just a glow.
'Cause I don't wanna try for an escape.
When one mistake is all it takes.
I'll jump the line from state to state
just for the taste of a better fate so bittersweet.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.
Let's hit the road, and hit it hard.
'Cause the season is changing.
We're falling apart.
But how far can we make it
before it's time for us to wake up?
You say it's not over.
You think that you know how far we have to go
before we're right back where we started.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.

I think I can be happy. I know, I don't really have any huge reasons not to be.

I mean, sure.

I've got to stay here for another year, that sucks.

I've drifted away from and lost a lot of my friends over the last year.

It seems like I can't ever do anything right at my job, and it's driving me crazy.

My parents can't go a single day without nagging or yelling at me.

And I'm super unattractive and unappealing and I will probably die alone.

But, honestly, it's all stuff that isn't really going to matter in the long run.

I think I can finally accept that, and be happy with myself.

Confidence is key, and it's about time I got that back.

for the record

I give up.

I'm just going to stop trying. If things are going to happen, they will, I don't need to egg them on.

So whatever.

Whatever happens happens.

I'll just be waiting.

Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong, it seems like.

I know it's not true, but that's how it feels.

I'm not going to UCF.

My church is breaking in half, basically.

I feel like I'm losing friends by the day.

But it's kind of okay.

Because it's helping me to weed out the people who don't really care about me.

I've got those that I love in my life, no one is dead, we're all together, and that's okay.

Bible study today made me realize that there are a lot of things that I'm thankful for that I never thank God for. I just take them for granted. That they'll still be there when I wake up.

But when something is taken from me, I act like a spoiled child.

And that isn't right of me.

God has his perfect plan and his perfect timing, and I just need to trust in that. For once.

Forever.

So, it's okay.

It's all going to be okay.

This is such BULL SHIT.

I just want to leave, and nothing can go my freaking way.

I'M STUCK.

Shut up, UCF, I'm way more intelligent than a ton of kids that I KNOW attend your college.

Give me a break.

I'm wasting my life.

My time.

I just want to go driving so I can get it all out, but Stevi is picking me up in ten minutes.

I just want to go cry and scream and be angry at the world.

I am angry at the world.

I don't want to stay here.

I can't stay here.

My church is falling apart AGAIN, and none of my friends are real friends, and there is no one and nothing for me here.

I need to leave this cultural waste land. Before it's too freaking late.

I hope the rapture does come tomorrow because I've got nothing to look forward to.

And today at work wasn't very good. I was a total spaz. And I went to moe's for lunch and I looked like a hot mess and the really attractive, really nice guy who works there remembered me and made friendly conversation with me and I acted like a freaking spaz.

Okay.

I wish that we were all a little more upfront and honest, it would save a lot of guess work when it comes to these things.

But I guess I don't have any room to talk.

I should have never started thinking about this, now I'm never going to stop.

That and Justin Towne needs to stay the hell away from me.

Ugh.

a sea of awkward.

1) I ask julie to stop by and bring me my long lost nail polishes that she borrowed, and she brought a ton of people with her which was unfortunate because I was unbathed, wearing a cat sweater and sweat pants, watching BET. Thankfully they were all gay.

2) Getting a bunch of messages and texts about Justin Towne's newest status update: "so it has come to my attention that mary vallon has never been kissed, ever. well it is my soul mission in life to pop her mouth cherry and give her the time of her life. let it be known!"

I know it's not a huge deal, but it's totally unnecessary, and not even going to lie, sort of embarrassing. Plus I can honestly say that he is one of the few people that I honestly honestly honestly dislike. You don't even know me, and I don't care to know you, and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you.

3) Sitting next to Robbie in the movie tonight, messing with his phone, being a creep because the movie was actually really really boring. When suddenly, "Are you trying to hold my hand?". No, Robert, I was not, I promise. I was just bored. And it takes two to tango, so chill. Also, him going through my phone and almost reading sneaky sneaky texts to Hannah Banana.

4) Not really alllll that awkward, but subtly cute text messages. I just don't know on a scale of one to ten how serious you are, so I never know how to reply.

Oh, man.

even though it doesn't really matter.

I'm confused. Just a little bit. Like, it doesn't even matter because it's all in my head and I overthink every detail of every conversation.

But we've been texting non stop for like a week and then some, and now it has suddenly stopped and I don't like it at all. But I don't want to be the one who starts every conversation. So it's taking a lot of will power to just let it be.

And that one text, totally out of nowhere, and I know it was a joke, but it was really cute and I'd probably have been okay with that if that's not really creepy to say.

And I just really like it when you're around.

And I know I'm not your "type" (whatever that is anyway) but you're probably the only person that I can keep a conversation with for that long, in real life. Especially when there are other people around. And I'd like for that to happen again sometime, but I don't want to force it because it came so naturally before.

Like I said, overthinking.

And then yoooou. You just seem like you'd be so perfect for me. But you'd never be interested even in the slightest. It's just frustrating. Like, why is it so hard for me to get to know you better? Because I really want to, but I just don't know how. Or maybe you don't want me to. I don't know. But it's frustrating. And I know it's overdramatic, but I can't help but wonder why God would put someone so great in my life so suddenly when I can't have them.

I need to try to stop trying.

Okay.

I'm done being a stupid girl.

I need to move away and leave all these silly lake county boys alone.

boysboysboysboysboys

Telling people about something makes it seem so much more real. Like, you had these feelings before, but now that you've confided them in someone, they're more concrete.

And I don't think I need these feelings to be concrete. Because nothing will come from them. I know this because nothing ever does.

I want to be pursued, it's something that I've never experienced. Because I'm not likeable. I'm not the girl that guys go for. And that has been okay with me, it's HAD to be okay with me for the last 19 and-a-half years, but it's getting OLD.

And it's even worse when you know exactly who you want. And there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. Girls don't start relationships.

So I guess that's it. I guess I'll keep being super awkward around you because I don't know how to act around boys who I don't just want to be bros with. And I'll just keep trying not to like every single thing you post because it makes me feel super creepy. And I'll just keep wishing that I was younger or prettier or easier to talk to or whatever I would have to be to be the girl that you'd fall for.

I feel so stupid.

Things have been going a lot better.

Like, amazingly so.

Just one thing.

He is so. Freaking. Perfect.

And I am so. Freaking. Not.

And why do I always go for guys who I have like a negative chance with?

It's a nice thought, though.

I went back to high school today.

Not to sound cocky or pretentious or anything, and I know it's not quite true but.

I felt like a legend.

Backtracking.

I realized in a second what was wrong with my life.

It just clicked, I can't explain it any other way. One moment I was listening to music, the next moment I knew.

I need to bring God back into it. It's been far too long. I've drifted away, aimlessly, trying to rely on earthly things to make me happy and content. People and things aren't permanent. They will always leave. God is always there, for eternity.

No, it's not all happily ever after. It's going to take time and effort on my part. It's going to take a while to get back to where I was, and to hopefully grow from that.

I wrote a four word letter,
With post-script in crooked lines,
"Though I'd lived I'd never been alive."
You know who I am - you held my hem
As I traveled blind
Listening to a whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.
Stealing a bicycle chain,
As the handlebars crashed to the ground,
The back wheel detached from the frame,
It kept rolling, yeah, but aimlessly drifting around.
Oh, doubters, let's go down,
Lets go down - won't you come on down?
Oh doubters, lets go down-
Down, to the river to pray?
"But I'm so small I can barely be seen - how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things.
Wearing black canvas slippers
In our frog-on-a-lily-pad pose
We sewed buttons and zippers
To chinese pink silk
And olive night clothes
If you can someday stop by
Somehow we'll show you the pictures and fix you some tea
(see, my dad's getting a bit older now and just unimaginably lonely).
Oh, pretenders, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Oh, pretenders
Lets go down-
Down to the river and pray?
"Oh but I'm so afraid, and I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise.
"But I'm too tired, I won't last long."
No, he'll use the weak to overcome the strong!
Oh, Amanda, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Mama, Nana, lets go down, down in the dirt by the river to pray?
You struck the match - why not be utterly changed by fire?
To sacrifice the shadow and the mist
Of a brief life you never much liked -

So if you'd care to come along we're gonna curb all our never-ending,
clever complaining

(as who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?)
We hunger, but though all that we eat brings us little relief we don't know quite what else to do,
We have all our beliefs but we don't want our beliefs,
God of peace, we want you.

a lot of things going through my mind.

I'm just sad.

For the same reasons, basically. They just resurface at random times, and ruin my days.

Destructive thoughts.

Over thinking.

I'm unstable.

After I left everyone tonight, I drove around in my car for thirty minutes, crying. Again.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm really bad at pretending to be happy. I can't fake it. It's not like I'm looking for attention really, I just can't do it.

And Kyle asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it and I said no because I knew if I talked to anyone for more than a couple of minutes I would probably start crying.

So I left.

It's just the same things. I'm alone. And lonely. I'm not anyones' priority. There is no one for me to cling to when I'm upset or feeling down. No one to make me feel better. Everyone has someone else. And I'm on my own. And I'm not worth anyone elses' time anyway.

And okay.

Yeah.

I'm not exactly the most sought after (or sought after at all) girl in the world, but I still have stupid girl feelings and I can't help it.

And yes I think you're really cute and really really funny and wonderful and you hardly pay any attention to me so obviously you don't feel the same way but I really like it when you put your arm around me even if it is just playing around, and I really don't care how creepy that is at all because it's true.

But of course it's nothing.

Because I'm not worth anything.

Oh and it really makes me feel a lot better when I'm talking with someone who I thought was one of my prettty good friends at least at one point about something SERIOUS that I STRUGGLE with more than anything. Something that I'm probably going to end up going back to soon at this rate and I don't even care right now. And their phone rings. And it's her. And it's more important than anything in the world.

I'M JUST SO SICK OF THESE COUPLES.

They just remind me of how alone I am.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

I just don't want to be alone.

Yeah, you'll never be alone. Whatever. I'm sorry I ever bothered you with my problems. And my friendship. I'll leave you alone so you two can have a fun time being fickle together, I don't care. No, really, I don't. I just assumed that my friendship was worth more. Like those times when you guys broke up that we'd talk. Whatever. I don't care. I mean I don't expect to be that important to you, but maybe a little bit more than that.

But then again I just probably overreacted because of this mood.

And you, could you just stop touching eachother for a second. I just don't need to be reminded every moment that I'm around you about how alone I am. I know you're happy together. And I'm happy for you. And I love you both. But it makes me so uncomfortable. And sad.

Third Wheel.

Fifth Wheel.

Seventh Wheel.

Always.

And then YOU. You make me smile more than most people ever have. But I don't feel like I'm good enough to be your friend. I'm not clever or funny like you. I'm boring. And old. And depressed. But I don't want to lose your friendship because it's one of the only things that I care about anymore. And you say that the future freaks you out and you're down and all of this but you shouldn't be because you are such a wonderful person, and whenever you DO decide what you're going to do with your life, you're going to be amazing at it.

And just hugging me and saying "I love you", thanks for that. I needed it. And I still need it. And my life needs you in it. So please don't get bored with my friendship because I don't know what I'd do.

And lastly, you. Are the only person who has stayed with me all of these years. And you are wonderful and beautiful and I don't think you know how much I've envied you over the years. I love you, and you deserve more. Fuck everyone else. Thank you for being there for me.

insecurities.

I'm just too insecure. About my photography, my body, my personality, everything.

I haven't been to the gym in three weeks. I'm just not strong willed. At all. I need to start going back though. Ever since I stopped eating well and exercising, I've been feeling terrible. I guess if I don't have anything else that I'm doing with myself, I can at least try to improve myself. It's just so hard to get re-motivated.

And I'm insecure about my photography. I'm alright I guess, but I can't seem to ever get better. They're just mediocre portraits. Anyone could do what I do if they really tried.

And I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore.

And I'm alone, still. Like, I've got no one to talk to. Ever. Texts go unanswered all the time. And I just let my over thinking get the best of me.

But, on the plus side (the only plus side) work has been going better. Even though I only work one day this week. It's been better. Plus we just hired a ton of new people and they're all young and the ones that I've met are really nice.

I just feel like I'm going through the motions lately, and I don't like it one bit.

I mean, my weeks used to be jam packed, and I would have something to do every weekend with all of the friends who have found better friends now. I just. I don't know. I just feel dispensable and replaced. Like I was never special anyway.

I know it's silly but...

I've never felt so alone.

Stevi and Colin

Kara and Chris

Nick and Skye

Zack and Annabelle

Josh and Hannah

Kate and James

Emma and Duncan

Mary and nobody.

Going to steak and shake randomly late at night and gossiping and laughing with Stevi.

Texts from Julian that literally make me laugh out loud like an idiot.

Making Kara look like a drag queen and taking photos and talking about weddings and drinking slurpees.

My best friends. They mean the world to me, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And whether they know it or not, they're probably the only thing that keeps me going.

I don't care, so gouge my eyes.

I'll never see again.

and every time things look like they might be alright for awhile.

Something happens.

And everything comes crumbling down.

And you cry your eyes out because you are reminded of how much you hate yourself. And you're going to die alone.

And you can't do anything right.

And some tiny tiny tiny part of you just kind of wants to end it all because you don't know what you're living for.

Overdramatic, maybe.

But I'm going nowhere.

Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere.

And I can't find any way out.

And it's obvious that I'm just really really lonely. Even in a room full of people. Because I know that they might consider me their friend, but none of them really really care about me.

They don't care about me more than anyone else.

No one does.

I just want to be a first priority. For someone.

But that's only wishful thinking.

I wouldn't waste time on me either.

And I look at other photographers' work. And it's good. Better than mine.

I will never be outstanding at anything.

I don't know why I should even try.

I don't have anyone or anything, so why bother?

Yeah, I'm really selfish, and jealous, and sad.

I know what I want but there is no possible way for me to get it, so I just sulk.

And all I want to do is to go out with a bunch of people and do the thing that makes me forget how sad I am for just a little while. Something that makes me feel invincible. And I know that it just disappoints people, but I figure they probably don't really care that much deep down anyway.

So I'll keep being self destructive. And when the opportunity arises, I'll always take it because I am weak and sad and I don't know anything else.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Because I'm Mr. Brightside

Coming out of my cage, and I've been doing just fine.

Friday night was good, yesterday was good, today was good.

I like this new trend.

Really, the only bad parts were being a third/fifth wheel. Really. Like, sitting in a movie theater, right in between two cuddling couples.

Sitting in the back seat with two people holding hands in the front seat.

Chilling out in pizza hut with two people flirting non stop.

Being the only available vallon. Forever.

Like, I know I don't NEED someone else to make me happy, but it would make me happy to have someone.

It's probably only really really on my mind because everyone seems to be getting together and back together and pairing off, and I'm just alone. Alonely.

But, regardless, I had a pretty good weekend.

And yes, it might be a little creepy, but I like that you wore that really soft shirt again, and I like that you implied that you like my glasses better than contacts, and I know you'd never ever ever be interested in me, but I'd sure be interested in you.