And Honestly.

I'm not all that bad. I mean, I've got my insecurities and things that aren't so great about me. And I'm a little bland at times, but when it comes down to it, I'm actually pretty alright.

So, I'm going to try to not worry about people who can't see that.

I'm going to try to stop wasting my time on people who can't look past my physique or my mild social awkwardness.

I'm just going to sit back and enjoy life because it's not worth it.

All this worrying and feeling self conscious and feeling like I'm not good enough.

I am good enough, and you're just not good enough to see that.

Hate on it.

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the
Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive

It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
Wow, we might actually survive.
I fell asleep with the light on
to keep the darkness around me
from trying to drown me.
But little did I know
that the light was just a glow.
'Cause I don't wanna try for an escape.
When one mistake is all it takes.
I'll jump the line from state to state
just for the taste of a better fate so bittersweet.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.
Let's hit the road, and hit it hard.
'Cause the season is changing.
We're falling apart.
But how far can we make it
before it's time for us to wake up?
You say it's not over.
You think that you know how far we have to go
before we're right back where we started.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.

I think I can be happy. I know, I don't really have any huge reasons not to be.

I mean, sure.

I've got to stay here for another year, that sucks.

I've drifted away from and lost a lot of my friends over the last year.

It seems like I can't ever do anything right at my job, and it's driving me crazy.

My parents can't go a single day without nagging or yelling at me.

And I'm super unattractive and unappealing and I will probably die alone.

But, honestly, it's all stuff that isn't really going to matter in the long run.

I think I can finally accept that, and be happy with myself.

Confidence is key, and it's about time I got that back.

for the record

I give up.

I'm just going to stop trying. If things are going to happen, they will, I don't need to egg them on.

So whatever.

Whatever happens happens.

I'll just be waiting.

Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong, it seems like.

I know it's not true, but that's how it feels.

I'm not going to UCF.

My church is breaking in half, basically.

I feel like I'm losing friends by the day.

But it's kind of okay.

Because it's helping me to weed out the people who don't really care about me.

I've got those that I love in my life, no one is dead, we're all together, and that's okay.

Bible study today made me realize that there are a lot of things that I'm thankful for that I never thank God for. I just take them for granted. That they'll still be there when I wake up.

But when something is taken from me, I act like a spoiled child.

And that isn't right of me.

God has his perfect plan and his perfect timing, and I just need to trust in that. For once.

Forever.

So, it's okay.

It's all going to be okay.

This is such BULL SHIT.

I just want to leave, and nothing can go my freaking way.

I'M STUCK.

Shut up, UCF, I'm way more intelligent than a ton of kids that I KNOW attend your college.

Give me a break.

I'm wasting my life.

My time.

I just want to go driving so I can get it all out, but Stevi is picking me up in ten minutes.

I just want to go cry and scream and be angry at the world.

I am angry at the world.

I don't want to stay here.

I can't stay here.

My church is falling apart AGAIN, and none of my friends are real friends, and there is no one and nothing for me here.

I need to leave this cultural waste land. Before it's too freaking late.

I hope the rapture does come tomorrow because I've got nothing to look forward to.

And today at work wasn't very good. I was a total spaz. And I went to moe's for lunch and I looked like a hot mess and the really attractive, really nice guy who works there remembered me and made friendly conversation with me and I acted like a freaking spaz.

Okay.

I wish that we were all a little more upfront and honest, it would save a lot of guess work when it comes to these things.

But I guess I don't have any room to talk.

I should have never started thinking about this, now I'm never going to stop.

That and Justin Towne needs to stay the hell away from me.

Ugh.

a sea of awkward.

1) I ask julie to stop by and bring me my long lost nail polishes that she borrowed, and she brought a ton of people with her which was unfortunate because I was unbathed, wearing a cat sweater and sweat pants, watching BET. Thankfully they were all gay.

2) Getting a bunch of messages and texts about Justin Towne's newest status update: "so it has come to my attention that mary vallon has never been kissed, ever. well it is my soul mission in life to pop her mouth cherry and give her the time of her life. let it be known!"

I know it's not a huge deal, but it's totally unnecessary, and not even going to lie, sort of embarrassing. Plus I can honestly say that he is one of the few people that I honestly honestly honestly dislike. You don't even know me, and I don't care to know you, and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you.

3) Sitting next to Robbie in the movie tonight, messing with his phone, being a creep because the movie was actually really really boring. When suddenly, "Are you trying to hold my hand?". No, Robert, I was not, I promise. I was just bored. And it takes two to tango, so chill. Also, him going through my phone and almost reading sneaky sneaky texts to Hannah Banana.

4) Not really alllll that awkward, but subtly cute text messages. I just don't know on a scale of one to ten how serious you are, so I never know how to reply.

Oh, man.

even though it doesn't really matter.

I'm confused. Just a little bit. Like, it doesn't even matter because it's all in my head and I overthink every detail of every conversation.

But we've been texting non stop for like a week and then some, and now it has suddenly stopped and I don't like it at all. But I don't want to be the one who starts every conversation. So it's taking a lot of will power to just let it be.

And that one text, totally out of nowhere, and I know it was a joke, but it was really cute and I'd probably have been okay with that if that's not really creepy to say.

And I just really like it when you're around.

And I know I'm not your "type" (whatever that is anyway) but you're probably the only person that I can keep a conversation with for that long, in real life. Especially when there are other people around. And I'd like for that to happen again sometime, but I don't want to force it because it came so naturally before.

Like I said, overthinking.

And then yoooou. You just seem like you'd be so perfect for me. But you'd never be interested even in the slightest. It's just frustrating. Like, why is it so hard for me to get to know you better? Because I really want to, but I just don't know how. Or maybe you don't want me to. I don't know. But it's frustrating. And I know it's overdramatic, but I can't help but wonder why God would put someone so great in my life so suddenly when I can't have them.

I need to try to stop trying.

Okay.

I'm done being a stupid girl.

I need to move away and leave all these silly lake county boys alone.

boysboysboysboysboys

Telling people about something makes it seem so much more real. Like, you had these feelings before, but now that you've confided them in someone, they're more concrete.

And I don't think I need these feelings to be concrete. Because nothing will come from them. I know this because nothing ever does.

I want to be pursued, it's something that I've never experienced. Because I'm not likeable. I'm not the girl that guys go for. And that has been okay with me, it's HAD to be okay with me for the last 19 and-a-half years, but it's getting OLD.

And it's even worse when you know exactly who you want. And there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. Girls don't start relationships.

So I guess that's it. I guess I'll keep being super awkward around you because I don't know how to act around boys who I don't just want to be bros with. And I'll just keep trying not to like every single thing you post because it makes me feel super creepy. And I'll just keep wishing that I was younger or prettier or easier to talk to or whatever I would have to be to be the girl that you'd fall for.

I feel so stupid.