!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL SO FREAKING STUPID RIGHT NOW.
Stop it, right now!

Things that made me happy today.

Scars for Stories using my pictures as their myspace default/band member pictures.
The fact that my pictures got their own albums on the Scars for Stories myspace.
Nana asking me if I lost weight lately.
Dustin saying "FOUR DOLLAHZ, CRISP" all the time.
Dustin buying an oatmeal colored V-neck
Erin helping me wash/clean my car.
Shopping with Erin and Dustin.
The guy at the walgreens photo department beeing so cool about me using change to pay.

Things that didn't make me happy today:
Seeing Dustin's nether-region breifly.
The creepy sticky substance in my glove compartment.

So, overall, I'd say that it was a pretty good day :)
Tomorrow I need to: clean my room, wash the windows, and DO FOUR FLVS ASSIGNMENTS, UGH!

Every thought in thought of you.

No one here to believe but You
Everyone else is bound to leave but You
When they swear their love is real
They mean "I like the way you make me feel"
No one here to believe but You
There's no one here to believe than You

I hate having feelings for someone, because when they have feelings for someone else, you just get hurt. I just need to face the fact that guys don't like girls like me. I think it's impossible. I'm just not pretty, nice, funny, charming, or cute enough. I really freaking hate myself sometimes.

But that shouldn't be the focus of my life, God should be. And I'm working on it. I'm getting better, I think. I have slacked on reading my Bible lately though...

Another Scars for Stories show last night :) I'm so proud of them, they always do so well! I took some pictures last night, I just need to go drop the film off at walgreens on my way to the gym....

mmm

I feel so tired. I've been busy for seriously the last week straight, with no relaxing days in between. It's fun, but hectic, and tomorrow is going to be no exception!
Hmmmm, it's silly but I seem to be developing a crush on a certain someone ;) not like anything will come of it, nothing ever does. Sheri and Erin and Skye know, and I swear if it got out I'd kill them.
Aparently some bs went down in tampa while josh was gone, so according to dustin, josh said "he might be back sooner than he thought" works for us, sucks for him.
I'm pretty excited to have a girly movie fest tomorrow! The whole thing came about because of Dustin's desire to see The Notebook, haha what a girl. Now I just have to figure out how to seat nine people in my living room... tricky :)

Sad Day

Josh is gone D: I don't know how, but in the one week he was here, we all got so attatched to him! I mean, he only lives in tampa, an hour away, but still, it's not like we can see him every day like the past four days or so. My van feels empty without him :(

Haha, we saw My Sister's Keeper today, though. Seriously, the saddest movie I've seen since P.S. I love you. Dustin cried like a lil' baby and I love it!!!

sketchball

I love how since I have no drama of my own, other peoples problems transform into mine. It's a horrible problem, too. I don't know what side I should be on.
This week has been exceptionally good, all things aside. I don't know, I guess because I was busy most of the time because people actually invited me to do stuff haha.
After youth last night, a bunch of people came and hung out at skye's barn, and it was so amazingly fun. Then, the boys had to leave and it was just Me, Skye, Sheri, and Erin, and we had a sleepover. It was fantastic :) so much girly talk, I didn't know what to do with it. Plus, I love all of them so much, and they're all so fun/funny. We can have such a great time just talking and eating oatmeal :) It was a great day, even after the drama came and whatnot. I just hate to see people upset, especially when I can't do anything to help.
This is a really scatterbrained blog entry.... or at least I feel like it.
Ugh, why does that sketchball have to be so charming, she can't help but fall for that!!!!
I don't knoooooooooow. I don't want to give out the wrong advice
BAH! Now I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to do any flvs geometry work. But I have to do one more today so I don't get kicked out.
Summer is slipping by so fast, it's scary. I don't want to be a senior, I don't want to graduate, I don't want to be on my own. I don't even know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Well, it's not set in stone at least.
Hmmmm I hope that tidbit of info stays secret....
By the way, if you actually read all of this, you're my hero :D

my 4th, in a nut shell.

For the first time that I can remember, a guy called me pretty. Not "you look pretty", not "your eyes are so pretty", not some sort of awkward mandatory compliment, not as an online picture comment. But actually looking me straight in the face and saying "mary, you're pretty". I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal to you probably, but it is for me. I think everyone needs to hear that once in a while.

So anyway, today was freaking amazingggg. We all went to kyles (Me, Heather, Erin, My LIL BRO, Cliff, Bobby, Dustin even though he lives there, this kid Mike, and Kyle's BFF Josh from Tampa), even though he had to work (LAME), and went swimming, and then we headed over to venitian gardens early to watch the fireworks. It took us forever to find a spot, and we finally found a place near the water and laid down my tiger blanket and some sheets. Seth, Julie, Liz, MK, and Austin came to visit us from the baseball feild, and it was a good time. Then they left, and we all played some volleyball (badly). Theeeeen it was time for fireworks, and we didn't know where they were going to go off, and they just started going off like right above us. We seriously had the best spot ever. The fireworks were wonderful, and lasted a lonnnnng time. And then we went to go back to Kyles, got STUCK IN TRAFIC, UGH. Josh found my Now 4 cd in the back seat, and that pretty much saved us, because my music selection SUCKS for large ammounts of people (Jack Johnson and Bob Dylan can only get you so far). Thennnn we went swimming some more, Kyle joined us this time since he was off work FINALLY. And we went to Denny's at 3:30 in the morning, and Erin bought me pancake puppies because she is the BEST, and we saw LASHAWNDA there, but she didn't remember Erin oh nooo.

I love my friends, they are the best people in the whole world :) even little Zacky is getting better. Even though every FREAKING WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS THE F WORD. Geeze, work on the vocab Zack (AND Dustin AND Josh).

All in all, it was probably the best 4th of july I can ever remember having. I love my life :)

Worry Wart

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

I've been pretty much trying to live by that the past couple of weeks. It helps, it really does, but I still can't help my consistant worrying. What does she think of me? What does he think of me? Was that a jerky thing to say? Why did I do that, I'm so stupid. What am I going to be? What if this happens and this happens and this happens?
I really need to slow down sometimes. I think alot of my problem though is that whenever I do or say something stupid, or if someone says something against me, or if I hear through the grapevine that she said this this and this, I hold onto those things and dwell on them. It takes a lot for me to let something go. People used to think that I simply didn't care. That I didn't mind what they thought of me, or what they said about me, but that is pretty much the opposite. I just need to let it go. I guess I wouldn't have the problem in the first place if I was just more godly and didn't do things that people could talk about badly :P. haha, I'm working on it. Salt and Light, thats what I want to be :)

Things I need to do: Finish GEOMETRY online, and start on my AP art stuff. I'm just so lazyyyyy

I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about girly things. I mean, I know that theres people who would listen, but i'm not so sure they'd CARE. oh well, thats what journals are for. I'm going to go write in mine right now :)

I am the worlds worst matchmaker

I wish I had crazy magical powers so that I could give people change-of-hearts sometimes, and I could make people fall in love all willy nilly. Kind of like some intense modern day cupid. If I had those powers, I know exactly what I would do.
I would make him break up with her so she would date him, and that would make him get over her, so she and he could date, then I would make her realize how much she likes him, then she and he could date again, and then he would finally realize that she is the greatest woman in the world and they would date, and then he would date her, because they would be the best couple ever. And then she, oh she would break things off with him and him for good, and then he would break up with her and then he and she could go out again. And of course then he and she could date, causing heartbreak to him, but he saw it coming anyway and then she and he could get together, and it would all be happily ever after. And, it really would be happily ever after because I would plant some magical seed in all of their minds so that when they all inevitabley broke up, they would know that it was OKAY because this is just high school, and they have the rest of their lives to find someone perfect for them.
But I am the worlds worst matchmaker, and these things will never happen.

What do you do when....

What do you do when you really really want some diet pepsi, and you go to the kitchen only to find an empty bottle on the counter?
What do you do when no matter how many times you repaint them, your nails always look like freaking crap?
What do you do when you're so bored at home that you eat everything in the kitchen and an hour at the gym isn't even going to help and you know it?
What do you do when you swear you remember packing your cell phone charger back up before you left, and it's nowhere to be found?
What do you do when you're paranoid about skin cancer but get too much sun no matter how much sunscreen you wear?
What do you do when you want to punch yourself in the face every time you look in a mirror?
What do you do when you have a feeling that your best friend is repulsed by you?
What do you do when you know things that someone said bad about you and they don't know you know and you can't act differently arround them, but you're really hurt?
What do you do when your brother acts completely different arround the girl he likes?
What do you do when your summer consists of nothingness because you don't feel like you have enough friends?
What do you do when you've liked the same guy for ever, and he's head over heels for some girl you will never even compare with?
What do you do when your life is so bland that you become consumed with everyone elses' interpersonal relationships?
What do you do when the feeling fades and you're left uncertain again?
What do you do when you think you know what you want to do for the rest of your life, but aren't sure how to go about it?
What do you do if you're worried to death that what you want to do for the rest of your life isn't what you're supposed to be doing?
What do you do when you can't think of anything else to do?

I suppose you simply pray about it.