mmm

I feel so tired. I've been busy for seriously the last week straight, with no relaxing days in between. It's fun, but hectic, and tomorrow is going to be no exception!
Hmmmm, it's silly but I seem to be developing a crush on a certain someone ;) not like anything will come of it, nothing ever does. Sheri and Erin and Skye know, and I swear if it got out I'd kill them.
Aparently some bs went down in tampa while josh was gone, so according to dustin, josh said "he might be back sooner than he thought" works for us, sucks for him.
I'm pretty excited to have a girly movie fest tomorrow! The whole thing came about because of Dustin's desire to see The Notebook, haha what a girl. Now I just have to figure out how to seat nine people in my living room... tricky :)

Sad Day

Josh is gone D: I don't know how, but in the one week he was here, we all got so attatched to him! I mean, he only lives in tampa, an hour away, but still, it's not like we can see him every day like the past four days or so. My van feels empty without him :(

Haha, we saw My Sister's Keeper today, though. Seriously, the saddest movie I've seen since P.S. I love you. Dustin cried like a lil' baby and I love it!!!

sketchball

I love how since I have no drama of my own, other peoples problems transform into mine. It's a horrible problem, too. I don't know what side I should be on.
This week has been exceptionally good, all things aside. I don't know, I guess because I was busy most of the time because people actually invited me to do stuff haha.
After youth last night, a bunch of people came and hung out at skye's barn, and it was so amazingly fun. Then, the boys had to leave and it was just Me, Skye, Sheri, and Erin, and we had a sleepover. It was fantastic :) so much girly talk, I didn't know what to do with it. Plus, I love all of them so much, and they're all so fun/funny. We can have such a great time just talking and eating oatmeal :) It was a great day, even after the drama came and whatnot. I just hate to see people upset, especially when I can't do anything to help.
This is a really scatterbrained blog entry.... or at least I feel like it.
Ugh, why does that sketchball have to be so charming, she can't help but fall for that!!!!
I don't knoooooooooow. I don't want to give out the wrong advice
BAH! Now I'm just procrastinating because I don't want to do any flvs geometry work. But I have to do one more today so I don't get kicked out.
Summer is slipping by so fast, it's scary. I don't want to be a senior, I don't want to graduate, I don't want to be on my own. I don't even know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Well, it's not set in stone at least.
Hmmmm I hope that tidbit of info stays secret....
By the way, if you actually read all of this, you're my hero :D

my 4th, in a nut shell.

For the first time that I can remember, a guy called me pretty. Not "you look pretty", not "your eyes are so pretty", not some sort of awkward mandatory compliment, not as an online picture comment. But actually looking me straight in the face and saying "mary, you're pretty". I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal to you probably, but it is for me. I think everyone needs to hear that once in a while.

So anyway, today was freaking amazingggg. We all went to kyles (Me, Heather, Erin, My LIL BRO, Cliff, Bobby, Dustin even though he lives there, this kid Mike, and Kyle's BFF Josh from Tampa), even though he had to work (LAME), and went swimming, and then we headed over to venitian gardens early to watch the fireworks. It took us forever to find a spot, and we finally found a place near the water and laid down my tiger blanket and some sheets. Seth, Julie, Liz, MK, and Austin came to visit us from the baseball feild, and it was a good time. Then they left, and we all played some volleyball (badly). Theeeeen it was time for fireworks, and we didn't know where they were going to go off, and they just started going off like right above us. We seriously had the best spot ever. The fireworks were wonderful, and lasted a lonnnnng time. And then we went to go back to Kyles, got STUCK IN TRAFIC, UGH. Josh found my Now 4 cd in the back seat, and that pretty much saved us, because my music selection SUCKS for large ammounts of people (Jack Johnson and Bob Dylan can only get you so far). Thennnn we went swimming some more, Kyle joined us this time since he was off work FINALLY. And we went to Denny's at 3:30 in the morning, and Erin bought me pancake puppies because she is the BEST, and we saw LASHAWNDA there, but she didn't remember Erin oh nooo.

I love my friends, they are the best people in the whole world :) even little Zacky is getting better. Even though every FREAKING WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS THE F WORD. Geeze, work on the vocab Zack (AND Dustin AND Josh).

All in all, it was probably the best 4th of july I can ever remember having. I love my life :)

Worry Wart

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

I've been pretty much trying to live by that the past couple of weeks. It helps, it really does, but I still can't help my consistant worrying. What does she think of me? What does he think of me? Was that a jerky thing to say? Why did I do that, I'm so stupid. What am I going to be? What if this happens and this happens and this happens?
I really need to slow down sometimes. I think alot of my problem though is that whenever I do or say something stupid, or if someone says something against me, or if I hear through the grapevine that she said this this and this, I hold onto those things and dwell on them. It takes a lot for me to let something go. People used to think that I simply didn't care. That I didn't mind what they thought of me, or what they said about me, but that is pretty much the opposite. I just need to let it go. I guess I wouldn't have the problem in the first place if I was just more godly and didn't do things that people could talk about badly :P. haha, I'm working on it. Salt and Light, thats what I want to be :)

Things I need to do: Finish GEOMETRY online, and start on my AP art stuff. I'm just so lazyyyyy

I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about girly things. I mean, I know that theres people who would listen, but i'm not so sure they'd CARE. oh well, thats what journals are for. I'm going to go write in mine right now :)

I am the worlds worst matchmaker

I wish I had crazy magical powers so that I could give people change-of-hearts sometimes, and I could make people fall in love all willy nilly. Kind of like some intense modern day cupid. If I had those powers, I know exactly what I would do.
I would make him break up with her so she would date him, and that would make him get over her, so she and he could date, then I would make her realize how much she likes him, then she and he could date again, and then he would finally realize that she is the greatest woman in the world and they would date, and then he would date her, because they would be the best couple ever. And then she, oh she would break things off with him and him for good, and then he would break up with her and then he and she could go out again. And of course then he and she could date, causing heartbreak to him, but he saw it coming anyway and then she and he could get together, and it would all be happily ever after. And, it really would be happily ever after because I would plant some magical seed in all of their minds so that when they all inevitabley broke up, they would know that it was OKAY because this is just high school, and they have the rest of their lives to find someone perfect for them.
But I am the worlds worst matchmaker, and these things will never happen.

What do you do when....

What do you do when you really really want some diet pepsi, and you go to the kitchen only to find an empty bottle on the counter?
What do you do when no matter how many times you repaint them, your nails always look like freaking crap?
What do you do when you're so bored at home that you eat everything in the kitchen and an hour at the gym isn't even going to help and you know it?
What do you do when you swear you remember packing your cell phone charger back up before you left, and it's nowhere to be found?
What do you do when you're paranoid about skin cancer but get too much sun no matter how much sunscreen you wear?
What do you do when you want to punch yourself in the face every time you look in a mirror?
What do you do when you have a feeling that your best friend is repulsed by you?
What do you do when you know things that someone said bad about you and they don't know you know and you can't act differently arround them, but you're really hurt?
What do you do when your brother acts completely different arround the girl he likes?
What do you do when your summer consists of nothingness because you don't feel like you have enough friends?
What do you do when you've liked the same guy for ever, and he's head over heels for some girl you will never even compare with?
What do you do when your life is so bland that you become consumed with everyone elses' interpersonal relationships?
What do you do when the feeling fades and you're left uncertain again?
What do you do when you think you know what you want to do for the rest of your life, but aren't sure how to go about it?
What do you do if you're worried to death that what you want to do for the rest of your life isn't what you're supposed to be doing?
What do you do when you can't think of anything else to do?

I suppose you simply pray about it.

Things I wanted to be when I grew up/Other Things

I give you a list of every career I have ever wanted, from the time I can remember, not including the two that I am currently considering:

1. Balerina - Okay, what girl DIDN'T want to be a balerina when they grew up. Too bad I never took dance lessons...

2. Veternarian - I mean, this was a no brainer: I LOVE animals, so I would LOVE to make them better, right? Yeah, I thought this was my dream job... until I learned that you have to put some animals down... ouch.

3. Comic book artist - oh yeah, I loveeeed to draw cartoons. But, you know, it turns out that I wasn't exactly good at writing scripts for comics.... so, I crossed that one off the list

4. Fashion Designer - Even though I can't dress myself well, I sure can dress other people. But, unfortunately, I never learned to sew, and all of my designs got to be the same after awhile.

5. Broadway Actress - I'm not going to lie, as far as Musical Theatre goes, I'm not too shabby. Except that overweight girls never get cast for leading roles... oh well.

6. Cake Decorator - Yeah, I was basically in love with food network challenges for awhile. My dreams were crushed, however, when I failed to assemble a simple layer cake made from boxed cake mix.

7. Photographer - Um... overdone. Plus, I kind of lost my touch.

Obviously, I have never been very practical. I guess I was doomed to be a homeless person. Agh.


Anyway, That air freshener I bought was kind of a disappointment, and is way too strong for my taste. Oh well, I'm giving it another week to see if it grows on me. Also, I have rediscovered my love for tea of all kinds: Green Tea, Red Tea, Chai Tea, White Tea, all sorts of teas! my home has such a selection too! Seriously, I think we have at least ten different kinds of tea bags... it's so wonderful, so much to choose from! just slip a little packet of splenda in there, and you're good to go! well, usually, just not in green tea, because that tastes sketchy. Oh, and we have this chocolate caramel chai tea, it is freaking AMAZING. Seriously, I probably had like three glasses today!!! Yeah, I pretty much did nothing today except watch reruns of crappy TV, and drink tea. And I played a little guitar.... and when my brother and the Atkins dropped by, Austin reminded me that I said I would make him a super cool bracelet. Sooo, I started to do that, but I can't figure out a good color combonation for him... the two I started are wrong: one looks to girly, and the other accidentally turned out to be rainbow colors. haha, oh welll, I'll do it tomorrow!!! Yeah, and I just realized that there is noooo sunday school tomorrow D: guess I'm having OATMEAL for breakfast

The smell from HADES/Career choices.

O how I hate you, Mildew. For the past week or so, my car has REEKED to high heavens. Seriously, it smelled like spoiled milk, rotting vomit, and decaying human carcass all in one. I have been wondering for a week what on earth that smell could be, and today my mom inspected my car and found the culprit: Something is leaking, and the two solid weeks of rain have been festering in the back of my car. Gross. In addition to being incredibly disgusting, the mildew also ruined two harry potter books (volume four and five), eclipse, and a comic book, while kindly leaving an old Latin text book in tact. Goooo figure. Oh well, I'm wet-dry vac-ing it tomorrow, and I bought a delicious "Paradise Fruit" flavored air wick car freshener to tide me over. But really, four dollars for an air freshener? It BETTER work, that's all I can say.

Soooo, I've been wavering on the subject of what I want to do for a living. I know I've always been a fReAkKkK about going to art school or doing SOMETHING artistic, but sometimes I just don't WANT to. You know? when you sit down to draw something, and nothing comes out. I don't know if I want to deal with all of that constant uncertainty. Oh, and I don't want to work as a waitress for the rest of my life either..... I've always thought that art was the only thing I could ever do. It's the only thing I've ever LIKED, and it's the only thing that I've really demonstrated a natural talent for (not to toot my own horn ;)). But you know, lately I've been thinking, and there is one other thing I could see myself doing. It seems a little odd, but I think that I might really like to go into youth ministry. You know, being a youth pastor.... like Mario. It really doesn't seem like a woman's job, but that was what Jenny was before she moved here, and I've researched it and found that there is actually a LOT of female youth pastors. But, also, the question is raised: am I holy enough? I mean, I freaking love Jesus with all of my heart, but I've done things I regret, you know? I love kids, and I LOVE being a middle school youth leader, I love to help people, I love to talk in front of groups, I love to listen to people, and I'm a hXc christian. So, I mean, what else do you need? I'm just really torn on the subject. I've written up multiple pro/con sheets, Art vs. Ministry, but I still don't want to make the wrong choice. I decided that my mission this summer is to do hardcore research, and figure out what course I want to take. I'm just so freaking lostttt. Eh, I'll keep praying about it :)

It has been awhile/I'm not usually up this late.

Hahaha, I just looked at the clock and it changed form 11:11 to 11:12. Shows you my luck.
I don't know why I decided I wanted to blog, but I havn't in sayyyy months, and I'm almost never up this late, especially on school nights.
I'm just over school. Both of my brothers are out, and I still have a week and a half to go. It's excruciating, dragging on and on and on. Counting down the days just makes it go slower. Like watching a pot of water boil.
We went to Chuck E Cheese today with Middle School Youth, which I recently became a member of (like a month ago). Alyssa and I were afraid they would think it was lame but they seemed to like it alot. At least I liked it alot. They even played a bad remake of a jonas brothers song sung in Chuck E's mousey voice, and I got so excited. I lost the trivia game three times and won once, out of good luck. I also played a holy-cow ammount of ski ball and me and seth played this lame game where you shoot peanuts at zoo creatures. It was a great time even though it was germy and the pizza was a little on the sketchy side, and the Chuck E Cheese in ocala is not NEARLY as huge as the one in altamont. Haha, I was surprised at how many people had never been to a Chuck E Cheese... what a horrible childhood they must have had.
Lately it also seems that people are more open to share their relationship issues/developments with me, which I find strange, but I kind of like it. I just wish that all of these people who like eachother would just go out already, ughhh, it's not that hard, creeps.
Oh, and I picked up guitar again recently... I learned to play "Crush" by David Archuleta, "Sleeper 1972" by Manchester Orchestra, "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, and select parts of "Pokerface", which because I have yet to master the "F" chord (F FOR FAIL), it is impossible to play for me exept the chorus. But I guess I'm cool with that.