I haven't posted anything in ages, but tumblr and facebook are way too public to write about my feelings, and for some reason blogging has always given me some kind of relief or gratification.

Anyway, a couple of days ago, my friend messaged me and told me that this guy from his work "had the hots for me", and that he said he was "extremely attracted" to me. Okay, no big deal for most people, but I just need to say that 1) this is literally the first time that any guy has showed any interest in me whatsoever since the 9th grade and 2) I have been mad crushing on this guy for months. I think I even wrote something about him on here a while ago. So yeah, that's a good thing, but I can't get it off my mind. Like, if I'm honest with myself it will probably go absolutely nowhere, and we'll just keep flirting every time I go in there. But then, the crazy teenage girl part of me lets my mind go in a thousand different directions and think of every single scenario that could ever happen. And I start thinking that there has GOT to be something wrong with this guy if he's attracted to me. Like, he doesn't even know me and I'm not exactly a 10, and he's really cute. Like, more than me just saying that, he's a good looking guy. So what if he has some weird social disorder or is a total dick or something, or what if he listens to rap and fucks bitches and gets money. Like, HONESTLY why would anyone be attracted to me unless I was their last resort? That's all I can think of right now and it kind of freaks me out.

I don't know.

I overcomplicate everything.

I just want to lock myself up in my house and paint forever.

Bad bad bad mood.

I am an idiot. A stupid stupid girl. I set myself up for failure and rejection and ugh I just hate it.

I hate people knowing my feelings. I hate you knowing every single thought that went through my head, and I don't know a single one of yours.

Why do I do stuff like this.

It's not even a big deal, I know that. I KNOW that. But you probably don't understand, this is a big thing for me. Until really really recently I almost NEVER opened up to anyone about anything. And I certainly never told anyone how I felt about them ever.

Literally, since the ninth grade, okay.

And I don't even remember half of those text messages, and I made myself look like a total idiot and now I can't act normal because I'm a total freaking spaz and I can't freaking help my feelings and I know I know I KNOW you aren't going to hold it against me or act weird or whatever but this is so strange to me, and I just over think things constantly and I'm so stupid.

And I feel like I can't talk to you the same because you're going to think I'm coming on to you but I'm not really, because I don't DO that. I'm not that forward ever, I promise.

And also "why didn't you ever tell me"? Why should I have ever told you, really? Because I know that I act like this and I know the feeling isn't mutual and rejection drives me crazy. It wouldn't have changed anything just like it hasn't changed anything now, and I'm just a stupid stupid stupid girl and I really honestly wish I was a boy sometimes. Like, really, my life would be so much easier on so many levels.

I really hate myself sometimes.

And Honestly.

I'm not all that bad. I mean, I've got my insecurities and things that aren't so great about me. And I'm a little bland at times, but when it comes down to it, I'm actually pretty alright.

So, I'm going to try to not worry about people who can't see that.

I'm going to try to stop wasting my time on people who can't look past my physique or my mild social awkwardness.

I'm just going to sit back and enjoy life because it's not worth it.

All this worrying and feeling self conscious and feeling like I'm not good enough.

I am good enough, and you're just not good enough to see that.

Hate on it.

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the
Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder
I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive

It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
Wow, we might actually survive.
I fell asleep with the light on
to keep the darkness around me
from trying to drown me.
But little did I know
that the light was just a glow.
'Cause I don't wanna try for an escape.
When one mistake is all it takes.
I'll jump the line from state to state
just for the taste of a better fate so bittersweet.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.
Let's hit the road, and hit it hard.
'Cause the season is changing.
We're falling apart.
But how far can we make it
before it's time for us to wake up?
You say it's not over.
You think that you know how far we have to go
before we're right back where we started.
Stop and think about it.
It's so much more than you ever had before.
It's overrated.
It's a great day to be alive.
You know, it's just like I can breathe for the first time.
I finally had enough and things are looking up.
We might actually survive.

I think I can be happy. I know, I don't really have any huge reasons not to be.

I mean, sure.

I've got to stay here for another year, that sucks.

I've drifted away from and lost a lot of my friends over the last year.

It seems like I can't ever do anything right at my job, and it's driving me crazy.

My parents can't go a single day without nagging or yelling at me.

And I'm super unattractive and unappealing and I will probably die alone.

But, honestly, it's all stuff that isn't really going to matter in the long run.

I think I can finally accept that, and be happy with myself.

Confidence is key, and it's about time I got that back.

for the record

I give up.

I'm just going to stop trying. If things are going to happen, they will, I don't need to egg them on.

So whatever.

Whatever happens happens.

I'll just be waiting.

Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong, it seems like.

I know it's not true, but that's how it feels.

I'm not going to UCF.

My church is breaking in half, basically.

I feel like I'm losing friends by the day.

But it's kind of okay.

Because it's helping me to weed out the people who don't really care about me.

I've got those that I love in my life, no one is dead, we're all together, and that's okay.

Bible study today made me realize that there are a lot of things that I'm thankful for that I never thank God for. I just take them for granted. That they'll still be there when I wake up.

But when something is taken from me, I act like a spoiled child.

And that isn't right of me.

God has his perfect plan and his perfect timing, and I just need to trust in that. For once.

Forever.

So, it's okay.

It's all going to be okay.

This is such BULL SHIT.

I just want to leave, and nothing can go my freaking way.

I'M STUCK.

Shut up, UCF, I'm way more intelligent than a ton of kids that I KNOW attend your college.

Give me a break.

I'm wasting my life.

My time.

I just want to go driving so I can get it all out, but Stevi is picking me up in ten minutes.

I just want to go cry and scream and be angry at the world.

I am angry at the world.

I don't want to stay here.

I can't stay here.

My church is falling apart AGAIN, and none of my friends are real friends, and there is no one and nothing for me here.

I need to leave this cultural waste land. Before it's too freaking late.

I hope the rapture does come tomorrow because I've got nothing to look forward to.

And today at work wasn't very good. I was a total spaz. And I went to moe's for lunch and I looked like a hot mess and the really attractive, really nice guy who works there remembered me and made friendly conversation with me and I acted like a freaking spaz.

Okay.

I wish that we were all a little more upfront and honest, it would save a lot of guess work when it comes to these things.

But I guess I don't have any room to talk.

I should have never started thinking about this, now I'm never going to stop.

That and Justin Towne needs to stay the hell away from me.

Ugh.